Talk about sex with your girlfriend’s dad

By Sebastian Cox, January 28 2016 —

When navigating a new relationship, one of the biggest roadblocks is spending time with your partner’s parents — particularly their dad. He may believe you’re unfit to date his precious child, or maybe he just resents you for being a manifestation of his offspring’s transition to the cruel realities of adulthood.

But your real problem may be much simpler. Maybe you just dread interacting with your partner’s father because you always stumble through conversations about dad topics, like the Home Depot or fiscal conservatism. I recently discovered a foolproof way to alleviate that tension in my own relationship — talking about sex.

Before my revelation, I was timid about acknowledging anything tangentially related to the birds and the bees.

“I am unaware of the concept of sexual intercourse, and, frankly, have no interest in ever partaking in it,” I proclaimed during my first dinner with my girlfriend’s family. It garnered a few strange glances, but the ruse solidified her father’s illusion that I wasn’t banging his daughter.

Everything changed when I discovered a new technique. I was sitting in my girlfriend’s basement with her father for some obligatory bonding over Sunday afternoon football. A commercial was on and the room descended into an uncomfortable silence as he cracked open another Co-Op Gold Lager. Futilely scanning my brain for a new topic of conversation, I sputtered out, “I wish to talk about sex now!”

What followed were the longest 15 seconds of my life. Surprisingly, my sweetheart’s father was elated to hear me break the sexual ice. We discussed a myriad of topics ranging from our favourite kinks to our preferred pornography — his favourite is BDSM, while I’ve always been partial to the classic casting couch vibe — to whether our respective members were circumcised. I have never felt closer to him — or my girlfriend, for that matter.

Now when I enter my girlfriend’s house, I immediately locate her father so I can chat about my latest conquests.

“‘Atta boy!” he exclaims as he heartily pats me on the back, letting me know how proud he is of the flagrantly sexual relationship I have with his precious daughter.

Now I cherish joining him in the man cave for some ice-cold brews.