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Super Bowl 50 horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, February 2 2016 —


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will miss the train, go grab a coffee and then just barely miss the next train. This must be what Cleveland Browns fans feel like on draft day.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will be invited to play in the Pro Bowl after literally every player and possible substitute bows out due to “injury.” You’ll be horribly maimed.


(March 21 – April 19)

After going on one of San Francisco 49ers coach Chip Kelly’s juice cleanses, you will find yourself returned to a pure, primordial, single-cell state.


(April 20 – May 20)

Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt will give you a bear hug and crush every bone in your body.


(May 21 – June 20)

After making it big as an NFL kicker, you will be responsible for kicking the game-winning field goal in the championship game and miss. No human will speak to you ever again.


(June 21 – July 22)

After binge-watching all of Friday Night Lights, you will be compelled to enrol your future children in a high school football program in Texas to build character. They will all suffer crippling concussions within a month.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will be recruited to gently dab ice-packs on Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning’s neck in between plays while he repeatedly says, “just make it to one more Omaha, Peyton.”


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton will hand you a football after scoring the game-winning touchdown. You will begin dabbing uncontrollably.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will hear a tap on your window late one night. It’s former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow, here to warn you of the impending apocalypse.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick will cast a dark spell on you.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

A relative will gift you tickets to the Super Bowl. However, you will realize this Super Bowl is actually a local bowling tournament between the High Bowlers and Magic Strike XXL.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While watching the big game at a local bar, you will be challenged to a wing eating contest. Hundreds of wingless chickens will haunt your dreams.

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