And so it all goes to shit

By Kate Jacobson and Fabian Mayer, March 1 2016 —

The Gauntlet elected a new editor-in-chief and news editor this Tuesday. Both incoming editor-in-chief Melanie Woods and incoming news editor Scott Strasser ran completely unopposed. Despite the organization having absolutely zero other options, the vote was still close.

Woods paced sternly in front of the crowd during her platform pitch. Dressed in all black, she refused to speak without yelling into a megaphone and slamming her fist on the table. Her three-point plan includes a bold new strategy to literally set all other newspapers in the city on fire.

“We’ll just find other newspapers and, with the help of matches and gasoline, light them on fire. The other newspapers, I mean. We will spend hours every day hunting down copies of Metro and lighting them on fire.”

Woods appeared unconcerned when one of the Gauntlet’s regular contributors asked her about the legality of such a plan.

“I make the law,” Woods said, holding the megaphone she was yelling into three inches from the volunteer’s face. “I am the law. I am the news. I am the legacy media and the digital media, the beginning and the end. Without me, the Gauntlet is nothing but ash. Literally. I’ll burn down this office.”

Outgoing editor-in-chief Kate Jacobson, a kind woman with a boyfriend and several fulfilling hobbies, appeared unperturbed by Woods’ bitter fervour.

“Everyone goes into the job with a lot of rage and bloodlust,” Jacobson said. “But by the end of your term you really mellow out. I mean, you run a student newspaper at the University of Calgary. The stakes literally couldn’t be lower.”

Woods’ other platform points include repainting the Gauntlet offices and a contemporary redesign of the website.

News editor-elect Scott Strasser took in the tense heckling while smoking a fat blunt on one of the Gauntlet’s numerous semen-stained couches. His platform pitch was remarkably short compared to Woods’ six-hour oration.

“Point one. There are no other candidates. I’m all this trash heap of an organization has got,” Strasser said. “This is a time of immense peril for print media, and I’m the most dangerous man there is.”

While technically correct, it has long been Gauntlet tradition for unopposed candidates to at least put out some sort of bogus platform about sending more e-mails. Strasser’s bold departure from tradition fits into his virulently anti-establishment candidacy.

“Oh. And standing desks for all,” Strasser added to rapturous applause before returning to casually lounge on his couch once more.

Outgoing news editor Fabian Mayer sat next to Strasser with his head in his hands, weeping softly.

After completing their terms at the Gauntlet, both Mayer and Jacobson plan to celebrate by going to sleep before 2:00 a.m. and actually enjoying their lives.