Six tips to stay safe this St. Patrick’s Day

By Jill Girgulis, March 14 2016 —

No one wants to get pinched on St. Patrick’s Day for being caught without any green apparel. The official rules are unclear, but my understanding is that all social norms are momentarily suspended on March 17 and people are free to give out painful and aggressive pinches to anyone who fails to dress in the holiday-appropriate green. Here are some suggestions to help protect yourself this St. Patrick’s Day.

Wear green earrings: If green just isn’t your colour, sidestep the rule by wearing emerald earrings. If you don’t own green earrings, simply steal a pack of Mr. Sketch markers from the bookstore and draw some on your earlobes. I’d recommend using Mint or Tropical Punch.

Eat salad for lunch: If you ingest something green on St. Patrick’s Day, you should automatically be granted immunity. Given that most people aren’t interested in visualizing your stomach contents, no one will question your claim.

Roll down the Prairie Chicken hill: Spring has arrived, bringing with it plenty of fresh, green grass to bask in. A spattering of bright green grass stains on your nicest church clothes will surely detract any pinch-givers.

Vote for the Green Party: In the next federal or provincial election, cast your vote for a party with absolutely zero political influence here in Calgary. No election happening in time for St. Patrick’s Day? Infiltrate the government and find a way to call one. The #kudatah people will be green with envy.

Be envious: Speaking of envy, jealousy works great for avoiding pinching too. Put that old saying into practice and spend the whole day embracing your inner green-eyed monster by staring longingly at your professor’s free-flowing ballpoint pen, a business grad with a job lined up or that piece of chocolate banana bread in the Bake Chef display case.

Have green eyes: This one might require a bit more preparation, but with technological advances it shouldn’t be a problem. Simple time travel and genetic reprogramming in the womb are all you need to ensure that you can live a life without a constant fear of St. Patrick’s Day pinches.