2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Look forward to your summer with our horoscopes

By Josh Perlette, June 7 2016 —


(May 21 – June 20)

While in an elevator, Game of Thrones star Kristian Nairn will stare you down with his beady eyes and tell you to fuck off as he presses the “close door” button on you.


(June 21 – July 22)

You will speed-read the entirety of Amazon’s erotica section instead of going camping with your family.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

While getting turnt and listening to fiery mixtapes, you’ll wander into the kitchen. Once there, the fridge door will open and suck you into an alternate reality where ice cream is one of the four main food groups and the Backstreet Boys are somehow still relevant.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will invite all your friends to bring their bongs on an elaborate road trip. After lighting up at the border, you’ll promptly be stopped in Montana with an empty tank of gas and half a bag of grass.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

While you’re crying over failing MATH 267 for the sixth time in a row, a fairy will appear in your room. He’ll turn back time and give you a slick memory so you can ace all your tests — and remember every childhood trauma you’ve ever experienced.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After seeing the face of Elmo in a grilled cheese sandwich you made, you’ll start dressing up like Elmo and asking people, “can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Following a friend’s nasty break-up, the two of you will go out on the town, get lit and start a fight club. You’ll become so obsessed that you only respond to the name Tyler.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While on a pee break during a hike, a floral scent will hit your nose. In the distance, Bigfoot will notice you staring at him intently as he lathers with Herbal Essences® shampoo. He will not appreciate the unwanted attention.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

A shaman will hand you a sword, some potions and a crumpled map. He will tell you there’s a dragon in the mountains. You’ll blindly wander the Rockies looking to slay a dragon while hikers debate calling the park warden.


(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

While preparing to do that really sick triple-flip your cousin taught you into the lake, you’ll slip off the diving board. Your swimsuit will fall off, and none of your friends will help you retrieve it.


(March 21 – April 19)

After ordering a the new Oculus Rift™ virtual reality headset with money you made tutoring BIOL 311, you’ll actually merge into the digital world. You will be forced to survive off of pixelated berries for nourishment.


(April 20 – May 20)

During a camping trip, your s’more will catch fire and violently explode, releasing hundreds of spider s’more babies. Long-legged marshmallows will overthrow your tent, forcing you to sleep outside in a torrential downpour.

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