Spoopy scary skeleton war rages on

By Tommy Osborne, October 11 2016 —

As Halloween approaches, the Skeleton War grows larger with each passing day. With no end in sight, the casualties continue to mount as the skeleton army fights defiantly.

Skeletons all over the globe have taken up arms to support their skele-troops in battle. While the war has shifted in favour of the skeletons, army leader Sgt. Skeletor expects foes to retaliate.

“Our troops are fighting as hard as they can, NYAHH!” Skeletor said while slicing off the head of one of the skeleton’s sworn enemy, the fuckboys. “Our troops gain strength as Halloween draws near. We are fueled by memes and calcium. Once the memes are produced at a higher rate, our strength will grow immensely.”

While the numbers of casualties are exceptional — 1,200 skeletons died in the first week of October alone — Senior Lieutenant Skeltal doesn’t anticipate any problems for the army.

“100,000 kilograms of calcium powder is being sent to our front lines as we speak,” Skeltal said. “The calcium will make our infantry of skele-troops bone-crushingly powerful.”

Senior Lieutenant Skeltal also keeps morale high on the front lines with inspirational music. Most notably, a 10-hour loop of the “Spooky Scary Skeletons” trap remix will energize the skeletons. Accompanying trumpets will play along with the beat.

“The trick is to have not just one doot, but many doots. The more doots our trumpets produce, the more morale our troops have,” Skeltal said.

Both skeletal and non-skeletal individuals are encouraged to support the skeleton war. Skeltal says it would be wise to support the skele-troops — after all, most people have a skeleton inside them that wishes to join its brethren and fight for a noble cause.

Skeltal urges everyone to pledge their allegiance to the skeletons and not the fuckboys. If the skeletons lose, Skeltal says they will blame those who didn’t pledge their allegiance and put their bones in a tasty stew.

The fuckboys are enticing new recruits by hosting a fucking rager at their frat house. You will know you’re at the right house when you see a thick milky haze of axe body spray and vape smoke flowing out the windows.

This article is part of our humour section.