Five un-problematic spooky costume ideas

By Hayden McBennett, October 25 2016 —

With Oct. 31 just days away, one can almost hear the shrill demands for confections by tiny strangers looming in doorways. Though it may be an arbitrary excuse for Hershey’s to unload millions of pounds of candy to a population riddled with alarming rates of child obesity, Halloween is also an excuse to drink until you actually believe you’re having as much fun as your Snapchat story suggests. But choosing a costume can be hard — here are a few ideas to rock your All Hallows’ Eve.

Slutty caricature of literally any animal: Don’t worry about what kind of animal, just pick one. Once you’ve chosen which of Mother Nature’s majesties you’re going to bastardize, you’ve done the hardest part. Pick small swatches of cloth in a colour similar to that of the animal and strategically arrange them to reveal the most skin possible without receiving a citation for indecent exposure. Add ears, whiskers and enough makeup to replicate the entire Broadway cast of Cats.

Ethnic stereotypes: Shove it to all the Social Justice Warrior losers out there by reinforcing stereotypes that continue to ruin the lives of others. The possibilities are endless — a terrorist with a towel as a turban, a Cholo, blackface of any black celebrity, an Indian cutie, a Chinese rice farmer or anything involving a kimono and geisha makeup. With so many options, the whole squad can easily erase the history of almost every non-white culture. As an added benefit, this will make your racism easy to spot, enabling people with a conscience to easily avoid you.

That one friend from high school — the one your parents wish they had raised: Just because you can’t actually make your parents proud doesn’t mean you can’t try! Although it won’t actually remedy the years of emotional torment or the cracks in your self-esteem, it will make a relatable talking point for the evening. For some, it will involve covering up the years of drug-induced damage, for others it will be include removing piercings and tattoos.

Homeless person: Look through heaps of clothing your parents supply and pull aside any lightly worn pieces. To give the appearance of having been worn a handful of times, make some rips and add a coffee stain. Now, leave your suburban crib, head to an expensive club, pay $20 cover and purchase over-priced drinks while giggling at the plight of the less fortunate.

I have large biceps and you’re going to look at them: If you plan on crushing 12-packs of Coors Light, this is the look for you. While you’re doing a sick keg-stand and pissing in the bushes in front of Chad’s house, you might as well look like a fucking all-star. A bed sheet toga, loin cloth as tarzan or a professional athlete are all great choices with the option to reveal your boulder-like pecs and your washboard abs. Becky will barely be able to tell you that she knows the rules as your bros explain beer pong for the sixth time — silly Becky.

This article is part of our humour section.