Three student must-haves for this autumn season

By Ananya Parasor, October 26 2016 —

In the midst of autumn, everything seems to be falling — the leaves, temperatures, our GPAs, motivation, energy and bank account balances. It’s a tough time in a university student’s life, with your whole existence crumbling to the ground in a cloud of smoke that proceeds to hang around and give you emphysema. Still, you can look fit and fresh enough to get that cuddle buddy this winter by investing in this season’s must-haves. Thankfully, most of these are free — perfect for university students.

Must-have #1: The never-ending common cold

Much like your clingy friend from junior high or a piece of gum that you stepped in, this cold just doesn’t seem to go away. With everyone coughing down your neck during lecture, how can it? At least there’s no need to invest in a scarf with someone’s hot breath warming your neck up. Bundle up kids — Christmas is here early and your gift is a perpetually runny nose. As the saying goes, adversity breeds strength. Keep on keeping on, as midterms rush in like an overly exuberant sibling on Christmas morning trying to take your gift away from you.

Must-have #2: The existential crisis

What’s a better way to face the decreasing temperature than with a cold stare and a bitter disposition? Thank your friend — the mental breakdown. Amidst the hustle and bustle of university, this trusty pal never gives you the cold shoulder and always seems to be there beside you. A class at an ungodly hour of the morning which you’re running late for? Your BFF is right there, albeit without the morning cup of coffee. Freezing while waiting for a bus that took a detour right off the face of the earth? Not to worry, best buddies always stick together, through thick and thin. The one-in-a-million friend is always digging you out and you cannot shield them away — ever.

Must-have #3: A thick coat of procrastination

Memes abound, watch out! While some folks choose to invest in the stock market, you should invest in a few memes for everyday situations that’ll make you the coolest, most relatable cat on the block. Using only memes to communicate with the rest of humanity is another way to hide in your hovel and keep yourself cozy this fall.

Next time you’re browsing Facebook, make sure to tag as many of your friends as you can in the Arthur’s fist, Harambe and Trump memes. Also remember that one like equals one respect, so share all these memes until nothing can save them from your memepocalypse.

Make sure to spend copious amounts of time on Snapchat complaining about all the things you have to do, browse shopping websites while your bank account stares at you with disappointment and stalk people on Instagram with such diligence that the police should really look into online restraining orders. Overall, remember that while university is fleeting, likes are for life.

This article is part of our humour section.