And so it all goes to shit

By Melanie Woods, March 7 2017 —

The Gauntlet elected a new Editor-in-Chief on March 7. By “elected,” of course we mean already forgot about. Of the two candidates, Jason Herring eeked out a narrow victory over Tree in what many see as a shocking upset.

Tree’s platform included rational, well-informed points such as “dependable?”, “makes paper” and “sturdy.” In contrast, Herring’s platform consisted of grossly unachievable goals such as increasing print pickup and raising staff salaries.

Under new bylaws, this was the first year the Gauntlet has not elected its News Editor. Since the new News Editor will be hired later this week along with other section editors, Herring was left to celebrate alone on election night.

Exactly three individuals attended the swearing in — Herring, a dismembered Sonic the Hedgehog action figure and the fly that’s been living in our office for the past year. The rest of the editorial board had “something or whatever” to do.

Despite the small crowd, Herring orated as if for a stadium full of people.

“And mark my words, we’re going to have free journalism for you! And you! And you!” he shouted, gesturing wildly. “The Gauntlet’s gonna be greater than it’s ever been. We’re gonna call it the Greatlet!”

Herring paused for applause — it never came. At one point Herring produced a t-shirt cannon and lobbed merchandise with his face across the office, knocking over one of outgoing Editor-in-Chief Melanie Woods’s many illustrious awards and accidentally killing the fly.

“You get me, you get me, you get me. You’re all getting me as EIC!” he shouted, his voice echoing across the empty room.

After pausing for a sip from a large glass of milk with ice cubes in it, Herring said he will demand every Gauntlet volunteer cheer for the Columbus Blue Jackets and best him in Super Mario Strikers before they are allowed to contribute to the publication.

“I aim to emulate Waluigi in all aspects of life,” Herring shouted. “We need more ‘waaaaah’! Can I get a ‘waaaahhhh!!’??”

At this point, Campus Security arrived in the office to confirm no one was in danger due to the “excessive screaming in an empty room after-hours.”

Casually lounging alongside her “Canada Press Student Editor of the Year” award with her office door closed to muffle Herring’s ramblings, Woods said Tree was robbed.

“I’ve been here a long time,” she said. “And never have I seen a candidate more perfectly suited for this job than Tree was. Herring will do fine, I guess. He’s on the right track — student journalism really is just shouting into the void.”

Woods said she is excited to finish her last two months of the job, rebuild her interpersonal relationships and stop having nightmares about university media relations.

This article is part of our humour section.