Communication is key when partners have different sex drives

By Lady Marmalade, April 27 2017 —

Something that often isn’t spoken about in relationships is what happens when your partner has a different sex drive than you. If your partner wants to have sex more often than you do — or the other way around — what can you do?

For starters, both partners need to acknowledge this situation. If you think your partner doesn’t know you are feeling frustrated with how little — or how much — sex you are having, it is important to address it. Nothing is going to change without conversation. If you are the partner with the lower sex drive, talk to your partner and acknowledge their frustrations. It’s much easier to talk it out than deal with the anxiety of knowing you are letting your partner down. By addressing your different libidos, you will be able to move forward and find a solution.

If you’re the one wanting more sex, know that there are others like you. Even though the assumption in a vagina/penis sexual relationship is that the one with a penis wants sex more, this actually isn’t the case. According to the fertility app Kindara, 52.3 per cent of people with vaginas in a heterosexual relationship are the ones who want to have sex the most. So if you are one of those who make up that majority, you’re not alone. It is often expected that because you have a vagina, you wouldn’t want sex as much as someone with a penis does, but statistics show this is not the case. Anyone can have a high sex drive, and asking your partner for more sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. They can’t read your mind. At the same time, remember that respecting your partner’s consent is essential.

If you feel that you desire sex less than your partner, then the most important thing you can do is acknowledge the difference in needs being met. It’s okay to not want to have sex, and different people have different libidos. Don’t feel pressured to have sex with your partner if you aren’t in the mood. And your partner shouldn’t feel ashamed for wanting sex, so don’t make them feel like they should be.

Being in a relationship where your partner has a higher or lower sex drive than you can be frustrating. The most important thing in this situation is communication. Acknowledge when desires aren’t being met and try to come to a solution. Finding other ways to give pleasure to your partner or show them affection can alleviate tension, but communicating each other’s needs should be your first priority. Don’t feel pressured to have sex if they aren’t feeling it and never feel ashamed to bring up anything about your frequency of sex that is bugging you.