New residence meal plan to consist solely of avocado toast

By Devin Aggarwal, October 24 2017 —

University of Calgary Food Services announced last week their proposal for a new way to get students to eat healthier on campus while still getting the most for their money — a meal plan consisting entirely of avocado toast. The plan will cost $5,000 per semester and includes access to a 24-hour all-you-can eat avocado toast buffet.

“It’s a revolution in the residence meal-plan industry,” said Jacob Gaston, meal-plan coordinator and inventor of the avocado toast sandwich. “The millennial student spends money, the university makes money — and most importantly, a healthy and delicious superfood is delivered to be eaten.”

The avocado toast meal plan will be a compulsary fee for every first-year in residence, who are obviously incapable of cooking for themselves.

Gaston claimed avocado toast will bring students of all backgrounds together through their new-found love for the magnificent pairing of avocado and warm bread. Other university officials, however, are worried about this unification of the student body, citing the risk of potential criminal activity.

“Since avocado is an expensive ingredient, it can be considered a valuable,” Campus Security chief Arnold Acardiño said. “The last time we tried to have avocado at the Dining Centre, it was hoarded by students. This created an avocado shortage and caused prices to rise. A few avocado dealers even managed to pay off their student loans solely by selling their avocados back to grocery stores.”

To avoid a resurgence of the so-called “avocado black market,” Acardiño said university officials will introduce strict penalties against removing an avocado from the Dining Centre before consumption.

“We’re going to monitor students as they eat. Any student caught removing the avocado from the toast will be demoted to radish toast. And nobody wants to eat radish toast,” Acardiño said.

Gaston agreed wholeheartedly with the punishment.

“It’s avocado toast — not avocado AND toast,” Gaston said. “What kind of animal would disrespect my art by eating toast without avocado when there is perfectly good avocado toast available?”

The new meal plan is also meant to keep students living on residence, as they no longer will be able to afford a house.

Many students are on board with Gaston’s idea, saying they will purchase the plan in the future. The avocado toast reportedly received great feedback from the three students participating in a pilot program, claiming that their friends were “green with envy” about the contents of their meals.

“I just really like the word avocado,” said Katie Green, a third-year Haskayne student. “Avocado. AVOOOOcado. AvoCAAADDOOOO. That’s enough for me. I’m sold.”

The plan will become available next semester, after everyone makes New Year’s resolutions to eat more avocado.

This article is part of our humour section.