Things to know if you’re thinking of getting your green card

By Lady Marmalade, November 8 2017 —

Marijuana legalization is just around the corner. But if you can hardly wait to get your grubby hands on some devil’s lettuce, you may have considered getting your medical marijuana card. Here are a few things you should know before you are handed the golden key to weed paradise.

You’re going to feel normal, for once in your life:

When you’re sitting in that waiting room about the meet the “doctor” who is going to “prescribe” your “medicine,” you will be surrounded by the most stereotypical stoners you’ve ever seen. Compared to them, you’re gonna feel really normal. Wait. Do these people think you look like a stoner? What persona do you present to strangers? Who are you? God, you’re paranoid. Just get in, get the card and get the fuck out of there.

It’s going to be easier than you think:

Yeah, you get anxious sometimes. And sure, your migraines have been happening a bit more frequently — but trust me, people are getting their medical marijuana cards for a lot less. And odds are, they’re getting approved without any problem. Cold ears? Here’s some weed. Blurry vision? Take a hit, son. Hemorroides? Smack those dabs like there’s no tomorrow. That one chin hair that grows back a lot faster than you’d like? You’ve come to the right place. You can pretty much make an argument that weed helps with just about anything, so let your imagination run wild.

You don’t actually get the weed yet:

This isn’t a dispensary. You gotta wait to get the green. Be patient, young grasshopper. Get it? Grass? Trust me, it’ll be worth it when you’re high as a kite on the most legal shit you’ve ever seen. Once you’ve discussed your pre-determined medical condition with the chillest doctor of all time, you’re on your way. But you’re going to need to wait until the people who provide the goods give you the go-ahead. It’ll happen. Don’t worry.

With great power comes great responsibility:

When you’re finally approved and ready to get your green on, buckle up. I promise you, you’re never going to feel more powerful. It seems like you have the world of weed at your fingertips, and you basically do. You’re doing the same thing that you’ve been doing for years, but this time, you can’t get arrested for it. You can brag all day to your friends and become the true weed wizard you’ve always known was inside you. Take advantage of these moments, because pretty soon, everyone will have legal weed and you won’t be special. There’s no greater rush than signing for a package that a kind old man brings to your door and knowing that it’s stuffed to the brim with whacky tobaccy. Congratulations. You’re officially cool.

This article is part of our humour section