Stör to start selling caffeine IV drips

By Derek Baker, November 30 2017 —

As the end of the semester nears, so too do paper deadlines and final exams. Whether it be from pulling all-nighters or stress, the increased workload causes many students to lose sleep and drowsily stumble to their morning classes.

However, Stör has come up with a solution. Starting next week, students will be able to purchase intravenous drips of liquified caffeine from the campus convenience store to inject directly into their veins.

Stör cashier Nathan Norris first proposed the idea after receiving feedback from several students dissatisfied with the level of caffeination that is currently provided.

“I’ve seen some stuff, man. One morning, we had a guy come up to us with two Monster energy drinks, six Awake chocolates and a 5-Hour Energy asking, ‘You got anything stronger than this?’ ” Norris said. “I had to tell him that we didn’t. You should have seen the look of despair on his face.”

Unfortunately for the sleep-deprived student, the amount of caffeine he purchased that morning was not sufficient to keep his eyes open for his 10 a.m. lecture, where he was reportedly seen nodding off approximately three minutes into the lesson.

The new caffeine drips aim to solve this problem.

“With the Tim Hortons lines at record lengths this semester, people are just looking for a quick fix,” Norris said.

The project is in cooperation with many faculties across campus — a true interdisciplinary innovation. Nursing students will administer the caffeine IVs to students as part of their practicum and chemistry students will provide the product they make in their caffeine extraction organic chemistry labs.

“God help whoever gets the caffeine my lab partner and I made,” second-year chemistry student Trisha Titanium said. “We got a negative per cent yield.”

In a pilot project, third-year history student James Barnfield described the benefits of his increased productivity from the drip. Barnfield, who had three papers due in two days, said he completed them with a similarly coherent quality that he otherwise wouldn’t have.

“I have not slept in four days. I can hear colours. I can see sounds,” Barnfield said. “This is what true enlightenment must be.”

With an IV pole in his hand, Barnfield shuffled off to class, barrelling through the crowds of students along the way like those with suitcase backpacks.

Students hoping to get their hands on the new caffeine IV drips will have to put their names on a waitlist, as the pre-orders have already sold out.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of selling these sooner,” Norris said. “Who knows — Stör might actually make money next year.”

This article is part of our humour section.