Things you probably shouldn’t mention on your Tinder profile

By Lady Marmalade, February 9 2018 —

As a single person living in the digital age, I’ve spent a fair share of time perusing Tinder. I don’t know if I’m trying to use this app to hook up, make friends or pursue a long-term relationship, but I still spend a unreasonable amount of time swiping and making small talk with strangers within 20 kilometres of me. Through my experiences, I found some trends that should be avoided at all cost when creating or maintaining your Tinder profile. Heed these warnings and swipe right and find the love of your life.

Don’t bare your entire soul:

Even if you’ve been divorced 13 times, have a nasty drug habit and don’t speak with your father anymore, keep these things out of your bio. Just talk about meaningless shit, like how much you’re a “dog parent” and how much you love long walks on the beach. Generic is the way to go. You like wine? Sure. You want to be a writer? Okay! You eat Tide Pods for views on Instagram? I guess. But don’t mention the fact that you were convicted on a DUI while on a four-day bender hitting every Petland in the province last year. Let them find that out later when it’s too late for them to run.

Be honest in your pictures:

Looks aren’t everything — until you get on this app, where looks just happen to be everything. Be yourself and be honest. Filters and angles can help you look your best, but catfishing and hatfishing are real things. Give people the chance to be attracted to the real you, which includes a receding hairline and your freshman 15 — or 30. It’s easier to use accurate pictures than to deal with the anxiety of knowing your date will walk into Tim Hortons and face the real you — sans hat, sans teeth, sans everything.

Don’t list your phobias:

The world is a scary place, but don’t talk about what you’re scared of in your Tinder bio. Terrified of eating ass and dying alone? Keep it to yourself. Scared of the young Italian girl who sneaks into your room in the night? Call the police! Believe it or not, most people on Tinder just want to get down and dirty. They don’t want to play therapist with a phobia-infested prospect. Take it easy.

Cool it with the random emojis:

People trying to depict their life story through flag emojis, wine and beer symbols or little plants to show that you are “4/20 friendly” is a strange way of conveying your identity. Just use grown-up words like the rest of us. The needle emoji doesn’t have anything to do with tattoos. Stop.

This article is part of our Humour section.