Student finds Valentine’s ‘ridiculous,’ plans to celebrate accordingly

By Joie Atejira, February 14 2018 —

In an edgy attempt to give the middle finger to our capitalist overlords, third-year sociology major Patricia Sloane is adamant about celebrating Valentine’s Day in a nontraditional way this year.

“It’s a ridiculous occasion,” Sloane insisted. “You shouldn’t only express your love for someone on a single day — you should do it every day.”

Sloane listed off her many objections to Valentine’s-themed goods, namely claiming they’re materialistic and exclusive.

“All these pink and red products sold in stores, just so you can tell someone you love them — it’s absurd! Nobody needs a Valentine’s collection of whatever inanimate object,” she argued.

Sloane also described dinner reservations, movie dates featuring whichever Fifty Shades instalment we’re on and anything else purchased for the occasion — all in the name of “love” — as “foolish and extravagant.”

In defiance of Valentine’s Day, Sloane plans to love only herself. She shared her recent “treat yo-self haul,” specifically avoiding all the pink-coloured, Valentine’s-labelled — but still featuring pricey and unnecessary — products.

“It’s going to be self-care day,” Sloane proudly proclaimed. She said her day will consist of an undersized bath bomb, renting out romantic films that she loves to hate and an expensive box of mediocre pastries.

In aversion to the annual day of love, Sloane is determined to disregard everyone who loves and cares for her, claiming that it is better to fulfil one’s own satisfaction instead of strengthening the four relationships she is currently lucky to have. As such, on Valentine’s Day, she will turn off her phone and ignore texts from her two friends, frustrated messages from a man wondering what their relationship status is and calls from her worried-sick mother she hasn’t spoken with in weeks.

“Valentine’s Day has created this notion that if you’re not romantically entwined with someone, you live a sad, pathetic life,” she said. “To those who cannot find love — I hear you. I feel you.”

Sloane is one of 102,560 people who have signed a petition on Change.org to abolish Valentine’s Day. While she waits for her dream to be achieved, Sloane will focus her attention on not letting people enjoy things.

This article is part of our humour section.