U of C IT to hand out ethernet cables to everyone, solve WiFi woes

By Derek Baker, March 20 2018 —

Students frustrated with the broken WiFi on campus over the past few weeks no longer need to worry. To solve the problem, University of Calgary IT Services are going old-school. Starting next week, every student will be given an ethernet cable to connect to the U of C’s network.

“Wireless internet? That’s too fancy for this school,” IT spokesperson Joe Java said.

The ethernet cords that have been ordered are reportedly “really, really long” to ensure students can connect anywhere at school. The plan is to have students plug in to a central place on campus, then have everyone go about their day.

“It’ll be just like the WiFi still works. Just ignore the tangled mess of cables strewn around everyone’s feet,” Java continued.

Java also assured that the cables will reach anywhere students need to be, including students at Spyhill Campus.

Several students have attributed the lack of internet connectivity with a sharp increase in stress and anxiety levels. Jared Backer, a fourth-year zoology student, explained how the broken WiFi harmed his studies.

“Panic washed over me when I realized I wouldn’t be able to answer the Top Hat clicker question in time,” Backer said, still frantically refreshing the webpage to try to connect. “I need all the participation marks I can get.”

However, the lack of WiFi access during class time has actually benefited several students.

“Me and the whole row of people behind me weren’t able to watch Netflix during lecture these past few weeks,” first-year sociology student Graham Goldman said. “I actually paid attention in lecture and I did well. Who knew?”

Despite the inconvenience caused by the cables, others on campus are glad to go wired. Members from the Tinfoil Hat Club celebrate the decision, calling it a “big win” for personal freedoms.

“The wireless signal is just another method the government is controlling our minds,” Tinfoil Hat Club president Emmanuel Shenton said. “Wake up, sheeple!”

IT Services will continue to work on repairing the wireless network, though no estimated timeline for when everything should be back to normal has been announced. However, whatever time router repairs are scheduled for is “definitely whenever you need it the most, like when you need to submit an assignment.”

This article is part of our humour section.