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Very accurate astrological predictions for your final assignment

By Derek Baker, April 3 2018 —

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

After scrambling to finish an assignment late into the night before it’s due, you’ll forget it on the printer tray while packing up the next morning, causing you to still get a late penalty anyway.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your professor will spill their coffee on your final paper as they are grading it. You’ll be dinged 10 per cent for their mistake.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’ll use one of those paper-writing services and pay someone to write your final English paper. Not only will you get written up for academic misconduct, but you’ll also fall victim to credit card fraud.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your dog will tear through your backpack with your final assignment in it, resulting in a dog literally eating your homework the day before it’s due.


Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Printing off your final assignment 10 minutes before it’s due at the TFDL will cost you 64 cents. You only have 63 cents on your Unicard and all of the reloading stations are down. That sucks.


Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Your laptop will fall out of you backpack into a puddle outside, causing it to short circuit. Though your ‘my computer crashed and I lost everything’ excuse is literally true, your professor no longer believes these justifications for late assignments.


Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

In your global development class, you’ll just copy and paste the SparkNotes to Das Kapital for the final paper. Believe it or not, this counts as academic misconduct. Who knew?


Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’ll fail your assignment because you didn’t write the right answers. Sometimes it’s just that simple.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

One of your stress-coping mechanisms is listening to the soothing sound of a paper shredder as you shred your scrap paper. You’ll mistake your honours thesis as scrap paper, turning eight months of research into confetti.


Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You never go to class, so you’ll miss the revised instructions your professor hands out to make the assignment simpler. At least the incoherent document you hand in will get a C- for effort.


Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’ll start binge watching an entire TV series a week before all of your final assignments are due. Unable to think of anything outside of the show you’re watching, your profs will not appreciate all the nonsensical Riverdale analogies you’ve included in your papers.


Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’ll come down with the flu a few days before a final paper is due and in a feverish haze you’ll try to finish it and you just keep writing and writing even though nothing is really making sense but you need to finish this paper you should have started a week ago and oh my god gimme some ginger ale what is a period

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