University of Calgary unveils ‘High Eyes’ strategy

By Sara Albright, September 30 2018 —

In conjunction with the recent legalization of cannabis, the University of Calgary has announced that it is now taking a relaxed and non-committal stance with its latest strategic plan — ‘High Eyes.’

The strategy is stepping back from the Eyes High goal of becoming a top-five research university in Canada by 2022.

“We’ve realized we’ve taken this academia thing a bit too seriously over the past few years,” the university said in a statement. “We’ve decided it’s high time to kick back and relax a little bit. For example, now our goal is no longer to be a top university in the country — our goal is just to be a university in Canada in 2022, man.”

U of C President Elizabeth Cannon is fully committing to the High Eyes spirit. She recently brought her Xbox 360 to her office, specifically to play Halo: Reach.

“Halo: Reach really is the pinnacle of the Halo franchise. It has a really emotional story-arc that was underrated by many upon its initial release,” Cannon said before reaching into her office’s mini-fridge to grab a can of Mountain Dew Kickstart Midnight Grape.

Cannon has now required that every U of C student defeat her in a one-on-one, sniper-only Halo Slayer match before being awarded their degree.

In contrast with the previous Energize Eyes High strategy, this strategy aims to ‘Tranquilize High Eyes.’ Under the plan, the academic probation program has been eliminated and replaced with one that encourages high-achieving students, including those in Scholar’s Academy, to “settle down, Beavis.”

All vendors in MacHall will also be replaced by Taco Bells, with the exception of Bake Chef, which will continue operations as per usual.

The Gauntlet approached a student definitely not consuming illicit substances outside in the corner between Science A and Science B to ask for their thoughts on the new strategy.

“What are you talking about?” the student responded when asked about the U of C’s policy changes. “Are you a cop?”

This article is part of our humour section.