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Asshole crunches every leaf on campus, leaving none for rest of us

By Riley Martens, October 12 2018 —

The recently fallen leaves that have blanketed the ground with the arrival of autumn on campus have provided a new way to de-stress on campus.

“It’s really nice seeing all the different colours on the ground,” Veronica Cronch, a second-year psychology student said. “With the rising stress of midterms, it feels good to let it all out by crunching the leaves.”

Watching from the upper floors of the Taylor Family Digital Library, one can see this catharsis in practice. Small groups of students meander throughout the green space, trying to crunch as many of the leaves as possible.

“Sometimes I spend up to four or five hours between classes crunching leaves to cool down,” added Cronch.

This new trend on the rise has been met with fierce criticism from other students at the university, the most vocal opponent being Leaf Stemson, a third-year basket-weaving major.

“I just don’t think he understands what he’s been doing to the rest of us. He’s causing outright chaos,” Cronch insisted.

Stemson launched a campaign last week to crunch all the leaves on campus  — “to leave none for anyone else,” as his campaign’s slogan states.

This article is part of our humour section.

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