Five shitty last-minute Halloween costume ideas

By Jessica Khuu, October 18 2018 —

Forgot about Halloween amidst the high blood pressure and emotional turmoil brought on by midterm season? Need a costume for that party you kinda don’t want to go to but will go to anyway because of a deep psychological fear of missing out and living idly as your best days pass you by? Don’t really give a crap about Halloween but don’t want hardcore Halloweeners intensely judging you? No worries — we’ve got you. Here’s five last-minute costumes you can create at home for little to no extra cost.

Lactose intolerance:

Make a sign out of wood and construction paper. If you can’t find wood for the sign, just steal it from a construction site. Next, take a jumbo sharpie and start filling the sign with anti-milk comments.

Nickelback:

Shake out your piggy bank — or scope public bathroom floors and mall fountains — and get a handful of nickels. Grab your dad’s old Canada flag T-shirt and some superglue. Start gluing the nickels to the back of the T-shirt, spacing them out evenly and using high-quality glue so other broke students can’t yank the coins off your back. If you really want to get artistic, grab your mom’s old pencil eyeliner and start filling in a beard — you don’t want to be too precise, because the patchier your beard is, the edgier you’ll look. Alternatively, you can collect hair from a barbershop floor and put some eyelash glue on your face before attaching it, but don’t do this unless you want everybody in your life to cut ties with you.

50 Shades of Grey:

Pull up to your closest Home Depot and grab every grey paint chip you can find. Head home and grab a grey T-shirt. Start gluing or taping the samples to your shirt and finish off the look with a grey tie. Holding a rice paddle should work just fine as a prop, but try to get your hands on a giant whip or a canoe oar.

Gene-gnome:

Hey science kids! For this simple costume you’ll need a sheet of construction paper, a large brown belt, a long dress-sweater and a chromosome chart. Roll up the construction paper into a cone shape and tape it to secure. Place the cone on your head and tape the chromosome chart to the front of your long dress-sweater, then secure the large brown belt around your waist. Congratulations, you’re a gene-gnome.

A blind date:

This costume is pretty technical, but bear with me. Grab two black garbage bags and a handful of other bags, some black sunglasses, your grandmother’s cane, some cheap flowers and a snazzy tie. Cut out two holes at the bottom of one of the black garbage bags for your legs and two for your arms on the sides of the bag. Pull the bag up over your legs and arms like a potato sack and secure the top opening of the bag around your neck with some black tape. Next, wrap another black bag over your hair and neck and tape to secure. To imitate the wrinkled texture and semi-plumpness of dates, fill the black garbage bag on your body with some other bags. Put on your sunglasses and tie and start hitting people’s ankles with your cane while waving flowers in their face and calling them “a fine specimen.” There you have it — you’re literally a blind date.

This article is part of our humour section.