Local teenager literally dies of exhaustion in self-imposed foot race against eight-year-old

By Chloe Chan, November 1 2018 —

Halloween is a night known for candy, booze and costumes. This year, however, there was a new reason for kids to scream.

Barely two hours after sundown, ambulance lights out-shone the neighbourhood jack-o’-lanterns.

Running up the doorsteps of a Varsity home, first-year student Jeremy Klein pointed at third-grader Anson Li, wheezing out the word “loser” before collapsing onto a lawn.

After several minutes of trying to find a pulse, EMS wiped thick layers of his face paint off their fingers and pronounced him dead, most likely due to exhaustion. Officials took longer than usual to clear the scene, citing confusion between personnel.

“Some of these costumes are really good — I mean honestly, we came here with three paramedics and now there’s 15. I don’t know who’s real anymore and I’m too afraid to ask,” one first responder said.

Klein’s FitBit showed that before his passing, his average heart rate was 137 beats per minute, peaking at 148 when witnesses say he “kicked a toddler that was in his way.”

“Anson just wanted candy. We didn’t think…” Li’s mother said, looking at the surrounding havoc in disbelief. “I mean, who does this?”

“This is totally a Jeremy move,” said his former friend Kyle, rolling his eyes. “He’s always trying to one-up everyone. It’s like, ‘Dude, what the fuck, why are you trying to beat these kids at hopscotch?’ I just wanted a chill night but I knew the moment he locked eyes with that kid, it was game over.”

Prior to the incident, Kyle and others witnessed Klein challenging a 10-year-old to a ‘flossing’ contest, in a move they all agreed was “undeniably cringy.”

This recent tragedy adds to the growing trend of teenagers dying in the pursuit of a fleeting accomplishment. Last week, a first-year student died trying to prove that “caffeine doesn’t even affect me anymore” by snorting four lines of mashed coffee beans. Only two days before that, a 19-year-old caught on fire when “flexing on these dumbasses” by doing hoverboard tricks in front of a group of indifferent seventh graders.

In light of the incident, all levels of government are urging teenagers to “please calm down.” Health minister Henry Helse says the province is working on a new health curriculum that “instils apathy into youth.”

“The world somehow just isn’t doing it fast enough,” Helse shrugged.

This article is part of our humour section.