Local drug dealers call for support in wake of legalization

By Thomas Johnson, November 22 2018 —

Since the legalization of cannabis on Oct. 17, Canadians have been purchasing their leafy greens straight from the government. But a number of small business owners are speaking out, saying business has dried up since legalization.

“Honestly, I’m a little disappointed in the Trudeau administration. They claim to be so liberal but they’re kinda just leaving us high and dry,” said Iceberg Thicc, a residential trader of assorted goods.

Thicc and his associate Spoony Tunes are among the many local drug dealers who have been negatively affected by the recent legalization of cannabis. They agreed to sit down with the Gauntlet at their office — located in an alley behind the Chinook CTrain station — to speak about the recent struggles that have befallen Calgary’s finest.

“We used to mean something to the community,” said Tunes. “Kids used to see us on the street and ask us to hit them up with an eighth. Now? They don’t even wanna smoke up… well, they still wanna smoke up, but now they’ve got Uncle Sam for that.”

The duo’s business took a particularly strong hit, as their operation revolved around the MacLeod Trail, near Calgary’s first two dispensaries. Thicc, who had to trade in his ‘64 drop-top Impala sittin’ heavy on chromes for a Toyota Yaris, has taken umbrage with the municipal government’s legislation.

“The hypocrisy is palpable. The government puts so much emphasis on ‘supporting local businesses,’ as they say. But what does that mean for me?” said Thicc from his cramped Toyota hatchback.

“Kids used to be able to source weed, coke, glass, lemons, beans, tabs — the Vicodin kind, not the LSD kind — LSD, cowboy kush, downtown brown, Yucatan Fire, dog food, smoochy woochy poochy, square dancing tickets, tragic magic, shmagma, and so on,” he continued. “Free trade, you know what I’m saying? Now it’s all going to big pharma and the fuzz. Where’s the dignity in that?”

“Look at this,” added Tunes, displaying the assortment of ice adorning his fingers. “You see this? Trash. I used to be drippin’ VVS from Brinkaus. Now I gotta cop from Spence Diamonds. What kind of dealer do you know who shops at Spence Diamonds? It’s humiliating.”

When asked what the average citizen can do to help out, Thicc provided an easy answer.

“The role of the drug dealer has always been much maligned, but now we’re really starting to feel the push. We’re just trying to make our way in society. We provide a valuable service before this cabal of late-capitalist fat cats encroached and pushed us out of our home,” Thicc said. “It doesn’t have to be myself or Spoony either. We speak for all of us. We need your business. Take pride in your community — support your local drug dealer.”

This article is part of our humour section.