School of Engineering needs more money

By David Stewart, November 23 2018 —

In an announcement that shocked no one, the Schulich School of Engineering has demanded more money. These demands were made by high chief of engineering Paula Pinklodgings.

“I really think some extra funding will benefit our overlooked faculty,” said Pinklodgings through a sinister grin and clasped hands. “We have a lot of renovating to do. After all, why should fine arts students get all the glory?”

According to Pinklodgings, the current state of the engineering building is appalling.

“I mean, look at this place,” Pinklodgings said. “You can hardly tell that it gets most of the school budget as it is. Where’s the panache?”

Some of Pinklodgings’s plans include adding artwork to spruce up the landscape, as well as a complete overhaul of much of the building.

“We have a marble statue of Zeus being carved by a group of ACAD students. We told them we couldn’t afford to pay them but told them the exposure they’d accure from working on such a prestigious project would be invaluable,” explained Pinklodgings, noting that she designed the nearly nine-and-a-half-foot tall effigy herself.

“And of course, the golden staircases will be finished by March,” Pinklodgings cackled.

Pinklodgings already made a name for herself when she led the invasion and annexation of parts of Craigie Hall last year, deploying third-year petroleum engineers in a phalanx formation and storming the building after dark. The building has since been renovated and renamed Bootlick School of Oily Money.

“My only comment on that moment is, ‘History is written by the victors.’ ” said Pinklodgings, standing at attention.

Pinklodgings’s seemingly insatiable appetite for engineering glory paints a grim picture of the future of the engineering program. May God have mercy on our souls.

This article is part of our humour section.