How to be the life of the party

By Frankie Hart, November 29 2018 —

Have you ever left a party thinking, ‘What kind of impression did I leave? How can I be fun and charismatic? Why is my butt wet?’ Say no more, friend. These tips will help you become a master of parties, the ultimate test of social ability.

Bring a friend:

Bringing a friend helps curtail the immediate awkwardness of not knowing anyone. As a unit, it’s easier to make small talk with people without worrying about awkward silences. As for who to bring, it’s best to bring someone who is as nervous as you are. If they’re already able to navigate these situations with ease, they’re more likely to — oh, fuck. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where did they even go?

Take some deep breaths:

Breathing in for four counts and out for eight helps slow your heart rate and is an effective physical way to control your panic. In, out, in, out. Oh no, you’ve just been standing in the middle of the kitchen this whole time. Hopefully no one noticed you staring into space breathing heavily like a weirdo. You have to go to the one safe haven available…

Hide in the bathroom:

The party isn’t at full swing, so no one’s waiting to use it after you yet. Continue your deep breathing while staring at yourself in the mirror, tightly gripping the sink. Come on. You got this. Just make conversation and don’t be weird. It’s not hard, you got this. Dab off the sweat forming on your face before you leave.

Find a corner in the kitchen:

The kitchen is where introverts go to float around when they can no longer stay in the bathroom. You pour yourself a drink so you have something to sip, which is something to do until you find something else to do. You manage to find someone else you know. They’re absolutely hammered.

Take care of a drunk person:

Finally, a task you can handle. Or maybe one you would be able to handle — if you weren’t also drunk. Either way, you have to try your best to make sure this person gets home safe or has someone that will get them home safe. Oh geez, they’re drooling. Oh no, they just ripped off a cupboard door. Somehow, you lose track of them, too.

Realize how drunk you are:

You return to the bathroom and look in the mirror again and oh, God, that’s you, in the mirror. Or is the mirror you? Being all wobbly. Whoa. Talk to them. Fuck, they’re out of toilet paper in here.

Get into a drunk ramble:

An hour or so of drunken chit-chat here and there and somehow, you make it very deep into a conversation with another person! You’re passionately rambling about some garbage that you won’t remember the next day. Look at you, being social. You did it, and this was all worth it. Now you can stay home for the rest of the year knowing that for one night, you were the life of the party.