Student uses Marie Kondo method, destroys Earth

By Anton Charpentier, April 24 2019 —

When Marie Kondo set out to teach lazy Americans the art of tidying up, she expected them to open up space in their homes, not destroy our planet.

It all started during exam break, when third-year student Douse Doom decided to watch their favourite Netflix show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, which teaches everyday American people how to clean up their disgusting homes, using Kondo’s own philosophy of ‘sparking joy.’ Sparking joy is the idea that when you pick up an object, it should spark joy in your mind. If not, it goes into the trash. 

After staring down the barrel of two weeks of late-night studying, final papers and, of course, mercilessly beating down other students who have the audacity to study at the TFDL, Doom had a horrifying revelation — the world didn’t ‘spark joy.’ Thus began their journey of destruction with the clinical efficiency of Marie Kondo’s bed sheet folding techniques.

Doom began changing small things in their life — letting their car idle, bringing their own plastic straws to restaurants and even voting UCP. These destructive acts, however, weren’t enough. Although they were harming our planet, they didn’t come close enough to creating absolute destruction. 

Using old books originating from Salem witches, Doom summoned the ancient evils of the underworld to literally eviscerate the planet. These evils included the devil, goats that speak English and, of course, the man who invented black licorice. 

Doom organized the demons by categories — and not realms — giving more direction and co-ordination to their attacks rather than separating them individually. Additionally, they let go of their nostalgia for the world, making it easier to eliminate whole continents at a time. To purge is to discover true joy, as Kondo would put it.

When reached for comment, Kondo wrote, “I had no idea about the potential for evil in my life’s work. I sincerely apologize and will address these issues in my next Netflix series, Messing Up with Marie Kondo, in which I battle the demons from Hell”.

The first season of her new show will hopefully air next September, if the Earth doesn’t swallow itself whole first.

This article is part of our humour section.