By Frankie Hart, September 3 2019 —
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will wait through what feels like the longest Tim’s line of your life only to discover that you have forgotten your wallet. The line behind you will revel in your misfortune, jeering at you as you pass.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
While attempting to simply retrieve your dropped phone, your pants will rip open so violently that both the force of the rip and the sheer embarrassment kill you instantly. I hate when that happens.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will stumble while trying to ask out your lecture crush. You will later discover that the entire class has withdrawn out of sheer second-hand embarrassment. That seems a little excessive.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
While contributing to a class discussion, you will crack a joke. No one will laugh. This is perhaps the cruellest fate of all.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ll accidentally blast your music from your phone for a couple of seconds during class. What’s worse is that you’ll hear grumblings of people calling your music taste wack.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You’ll get left on read by your mcm. It may not be a public humiliation, but you feel like a clown nonetheless.
(March 21 – April 19)
You’ll rip a fat one during class. Your peers will lightly chuckle and then quickly forget it even happened. Are we not all human, after all?
(April 20 – May 20)
You’ll find out that something about your bathroom routine is very… unusual. Some may describe it as “disgusting,” but I suppose that’s subjective. I won’t elaborate here for your own sake.
(May 21 – June 20)
Your professor will ridicule your assignment as an example to the rest of the class on what not to do. This is a statistics class, how did you manage to turn it into a flat Earth theory?
(June 21 – July 22)
Your class nap will take a turn for the worse after you start talking in your sleep about your lust for the green M&M. For years to come, you will be ridiculed online for this.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’ll accidentally spill some water right on your crotch! Oh no! Someone must have seen that, how it landed directly onto your crotch. But anyone should be able to tell that it was a spill, and definitely not pee.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Remembering the books you gave to Bound and Copied, you’ll check on your consignment status only to discover that you missed the stale date. Not only does this mean that you don’t make any money off the sale, but an employee is contractually obligated to pants you in front of the other customers. Typical Monday.