By Anton Charpentier, November 1 2019 —
Tension wasn’t in the air on the night of Oct. 21 as the nation sat around waiting for the election results. After hours of nothing really happening, everyone kind of lost and nobody really cared. Fortunately, I have a deep understanding of politics that stems from having watched CBC for one whole evening and I’m happy to share my in-depth knowledge with you. Here’s a party-by-party breakdown of these results.
The Liberal Party
Since high school, Justin Trudeau has always dreamed of being the leader of his father’s party. He got his wish back in 2015 and managed to retain his power after this election. When reached for comment on these results, Trudeau stated, “People said I was crazy in high school. They said I was crazy when I was a teacher still following my dreams — and countless other times — but guess who’s a minority now?” When asked what he was referring to specifically, he replied “I’ve been privileged throughout my life, and it’s my privilege as the leader of a minority to work with my fellow minorities.” At this point, many of the journalists and voters left the room, due to obvious discomfort. Nonetheless, this was apparently the culmination of Justin Trudeau’s years of work — to become a minority.
The Conservative Party
Life hasn’t been easy for Andrew Scheer, having never been the “popular” guy in government. he’s known around Ottawa as the type of man who would walk into random bars and rather than order a pint, ask for a glass of cold milk. In short, he’s always been an unlikeable dude. Even so, Scheer was never a man to pull-out or abort, so he stuck to his guns and this year he finally won the popular vote — by one per cent. A political feat once thought impossible, Scheer proved his haters wrong by technically losing, but with popularity. Sure, having actual power in parliament is cool, but being popular is cooler. Unfortunately, just being popular wasn’t good enough for most of his base. Comprising of angry old men, his base is alienated because they can’t lay pipe. Looks like only sheer-will can save Scheer’s job.
The Bloc Québecois
In a surprising comeback, the Bloc Québecois reclaimed many of their original Québec seats. Unfortunately, they’ve already filed for a divorce with Canada under the grounds that they have simply grown apart, and that Canada isn’t satisfying Québec’s needs like they used to. The unforeseen event leaves their love child, New Brunswick, having to choose which parent will get custody. In response to these developments, New Brunswick has run away and hid in a treehouse, refusing to come out until its parents get back together. Last we heard, Canada is getting its mother, England, to come over and bake biscuits for the emotionally distraught province. If Grandma’s biscuits don’t convince them to climb out of the treehouse, Canada and Québec will have to reevaluate how they approach their divorce.
With the Liberals claiming the most seats, but not enough to claim a majority, leader Jagmeet Singh is now in the position of kingmaker. If the Liberals want to get anything done in parliament, they will have to work with the NDP. This historic victory came by a unique strategy of losing the most seats possible — a strategy that they learned from the United States government during Vietnam. Like the US military, the NDP celebrated this defeat with an all-out dance party, as if they had actually won. A puzzling reaction, but I guess if you’re going to be used by Justin Trudeau’s minority status, might as well get drunk and dance.
The Green Party
The Green Party had a fantastic election night, increasing their seats by 50 per cent — far above any other Canadian party. The party, led by Elizabeth May, now has a mighty total of three seats. That’s one more seat than their previous two seats four years ago. This was accomplished when the Greens managed to conquer the heavily fortified town of Fredericton. At this rate, we might even see a total of four seats in the next election. The sky’s the limit.
That wraps up our election coverage for 2019. It was truly an election that will go down in the history books as one that happened.
This article is part of our humour section.