Disney properties you definitely, absolutely won’t pirate

By Frankie Hart, November 23 2019 —

Disney+ just launched, and many have already signed up for the $8.99 per month subscriptions that will kick in once they forget to cancel their free trials. It’s a very exciting time to enjoy some good movies and TV shows owned by one of the top media conglomerates. You can binge-watch shows you used to love in an attempt to recapture your childhood happiness only to realize that Wizards Of Waverly Place simply doesn’t make up for your lack of serotonin. You can use it to watch whatever Werner Herzog and Baby Yoda get up to on The Mandalorian. There are endless, perhaps too many, options. Here are some top picks of what to watch on Disney+ — this list is for those intending to properly pay for a subscription, not by making multiple emails for free trials, and definitely, absolutely not by pirating.

All those dang Marvel movies:

Disney owns Marvel, which means you have access to all the sweet superhero movies. Er, actually, all of the superhero movies that aren’t tied to contracts with Netflix or Sony. That’s okay, that just means you can see most Marvel movies that aren’t Thor: Ragnarok, Black Panther or the new Spider-Man movies. To be honest, I’m not very familiar with the Marvel cinematic universe, but surely this is no biggie. There would be no reason to turn to illegal means to fill in these missing gaps — many of these films will probably become available as early as next summer.

Dozens of classic Disney animated films:

There are plenty of reasons to watch old Disney movies, whether it be for nostalgia, interest in the art of animation or to introduce to younger family members. That in itself seems worth the $8.99 per month price tag, especially since you’ve heard of some people receiving scary letters because of their piracy. You’d definitely be willing to pay to avoid that — whether that means paying to stream it or if there were, say, a service that could shield your IP address to make you harder to identify, or something. There might even be versions of that available for free, you never know — but you’d never use it for something like piracy, of course.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993):

Pretty much everyone that went through an emo phase also had an obsession with this movie. Rewatch it and remember the simpler days when you were much angstier but actually had fewer problems. Did you know that you can get 3TB external hard drives for just a hundred bucks now? That’s so wild. If only you could download your favourite movies and TV shows from Disney+ and put them on an external hard drive, then you could watch them without needing an internet connection. That’d be so sick. Oh well.

The Pirates of the Caribbean series:

It’s undeniable that there’s something so fascinating about the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Is it the fact that the Disneyland ride once used human bones, and is still rumoured to contain a human skull? Maybe. Is it the exhilarating, swashbuckling lifestyle of pirates themselves? Yes! Perhaps this is a sign to leave your boring, normal life behind and engage in piracy — but only the boat kind.

Bizaardvark:

For all the great content that you’re excited to pay for and watch legally on Disney+, there are some things that are not so enticing. The existence of this show reminds you that Disney once employed Jake Paul. This fact alone sends you into a blind rage, leading you to scour every subsection of the Criticism of The Walt Disney Company Wikipedia page and comb through the lengthy list of companies and assets owned by the company. You find yourself contemplating the ethics of piracy. Who is the victim of this crime? While you contemplate that, I will be here rewatching the Kim Possible movies, which I definitely, absolutely paid for very legally, because they are high art.