How to get yourself motivated to work, you idiot

By Frankie Hart, November 29 2019 —

Do you often find yourself farting around, doing nothing of worth, despite being fully aware of everything that you should be doing? Do you often continue to do nothing of worth despite this realization? Do you often tell yourself that you’ll turn things around soon, and then repeat the whole process over again? Here are some tips on how to stop doing that, you idiot:

Have a light, healthy snack:

Don’t you know that nutrition is crucial for peak brain functioning? Of course you didn’t. Eat some apple slices or something, you little baby.

Make a vision board:

Whether physical or Pinterest-made, create a collage of photos that represent all of your goals, hopes and aspirations. Then, you can reflect on how your current trajectory means you’ll never achieve any of them. 

Look at an old family picture and reflect on your failure:

You’re letting yourself down. You’re letting your family down. Your parents will be embarrassed to even mention your name to other relatives. If you would just stop being a dummy and get to work, you could change all of that. 

Place gummy bears on your textbook as rewards for reading sections:

Never mind actually, you’re just going to eat them straight out of the bag, you bonehead.

Make a study playlist:

Did you actually just spend three hours assembling a playlist to study for half an hour? You could’ve just listened to a lo-fi hip hop radio playlist, you freakin’ ninny.

Slap yourself right in your dumb face:

Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

Fall down the stairs:

Do it.

This article is part of our humour section.