Student continues to drink coffee as if it’s going to change a damn thing

By Frankie Hart, January 23 2020 —

In the early afternoon of Jan. 20, a mess was forming in MacHall. A student was surrounded by a fortress-like collection of coffee cups, inconveniencing surrounding students from passing through. She was unaware of the clutter she caused and started cleaning up once it was pointed out to her.

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee, haha! Just kidding. Just a little joke, since I’ve already had many, many litres of it,” said fourth-year student Hankie Fart, who was oddly shaking. “Let me just get these out of here.”

She then clumsily knocked over multiple cups with her tremoring hands. When asked about the source of the coffee cups, she explained it was part of a plan to become more productive.

“I have a huge procrastination problem, and I thought that if I just had a little somethin’ I’d be able to whiz through everything that I need to do,” Fart said.

Despite it still being early in the semester, Fart explained that she always leaves everything to the last minute, and hoped a proactive approach was the solution. She also elaborated on the large amount of coffee she was consuming.

“There’s all this advice out there about student life — speed-reading techniques, more effective note-taking methods, time management, basic organizational skills, blah blah blah. I don’t want to learn a new writing system just to take notes, all I need is for my brain to work better. And the more coffee I drink, the betterer it works,” Fart said.

In the middle of being asked about the success of this technique, Fart’s trembling gained in intensity until she needed to be assisted into a laying down position.

“See that?” Fart asked, in reference to her convulsing body. “That’s power surging through my body. Just imagine what’s going on in my brain.”

This article is part of our humour section.