By Gillian Darichuk, February 6 2020 —
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will feel nostalgic for the cartoons that sexually awakened you. Trying to find animated smut, you will stumble into a brony war, and you won’t be able to escape.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will stay up for days with projects and papers and accidentally fall asleep during sex. You won’t even get a good grade on the papers.
(March 21 – April 19)
You will break away from all your incognito tabs to meet your soulmate. You’ll ruin it by headbutting while going in for a kiss. That blood stain will never come out.
(April 20 – May 20)
You will drunkenly order fluffy handcuffs from Amazon and try recording your first time using them. You will make a worse movie than 50 Shades of Gray.
(May 21 – June 20)
You will be convinced candles create the sexiest ambiance. No one from Yamnuska will be impressed by your underwear when you’re all standing outside in the cold after a midnight fire alarm.
(June 21 – July 22)
You will try on a new, sexy look. You’ll ask a friend for their opinion on your outfit, only to be told that you bear a passing resemblance to Pennywise.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You will try BDSM without the Sex Week workshop and whip yourself. You’ll never be able to get rid of the thin scar, and will lie about how you got it for the rest of your life.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will try a cheap sex toy you got for free off of Wish. It will die every minute and you will waste an entire pack of batteries before realizing this. That’s not very eco-conscious of you.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will be so awkward with your crush that they’ll introduce you to their friend as a Schulich student. They ask if you’re a prodigy, since you you can’t be more than 15 years old.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll think you matched with the person of your dreams, only to find out it was your professor catfishing you. You won’t be able to make eye contact for the rest of the semester.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will go adventuring down the wormhole of porn on the internet but forget to close your tabs before class. You’ll have no choice, you have to take a W on this degree-mandatory class.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will be exposed and blocked by @uofconfessions for too many Friday Feels posts about too many people. The entire school will roast you in the comments, even students from the Qatar location.