Very real sex tips

By Frankie Hart, February 14 2020 —

You might be coming out of Sex Week thinking, “Yes, I am an expert in sex now. I know all that there is to know.” Wrong — you are like a little baby. With such overconfidence, you will likely need this advice the most. Here are some tips that are sure to impress your partner(s):

Add choreography:

You already wasted an hour in TFDL learning and perfecting the renegade dance from TikTok instead of studying, and you aren’t getting that time back. You might as well put it to good use, and bust it out in the middle of the act.

Spell out secret messages:

Spelling “coconut” is too 2019. In 2020, the move is to transmit your deepest, darkest feelings in the most intimate method possible. If they manage to properly interpret the message, then congratulations — you found the one. Just don’t get too aggressive spelling those Z’s.

Get a little rough with wrestling:

What heightens intensity better than wrestling? Develop your new wrestling persona, backstory and outfit thoroughly before bed to add a sense of adventure — not to mention the rush of trying out your signature move. Be sure to invite one of your friends to act as referee, just to keep things fair. 

Take it slow:

“Slow and sexy wins the race,” is a phrase that is real, and common. There is nothing sexier than suspense. Keep this in mind and try slowly undressing for your partner. It may feel like a heavy time investment, but the rush of taking off your other sock after an hour will be worth it.

Eye contact:

Physical connection doesn’t have to mean literal touch. Stare deeply into the eyes of your partner with long, unbroken eye contact the entire time. You’ll find that after doing this, you will feel as if you have connected not just on a physical level, but in the utmost spiritual level. They have seen into the furthest depths of your very soul, and you have seen theirs. Now that’s vulnerability.

This article is part of our humour section.