Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Photo edited by Mariah Wilson; photo of Dr. Phil courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Horoscopes: What can the signs look forward to in 2021?

By Josie Simon, January 13 2020—

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

In late April, you will be a guest on the Dr. Phil show. While filming the episode, you will look into Dr. Phil’s baby blue eyes and realize that he’s “the one.” You and Dr. Phil will run away to North Dakota to start a new life together.

Leo

July 23 – Aug. 22 

During a Zoom class, your roommate will start playing “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele in their bedroom. As you hear the faint echoes of your favourite song, you won’t be able to resist the urge to sing along. To your surprise, your mic will be on, and everyone will hear your angelic and yet haunting voice. Your Zoom class will be so amazed by your magnificent singing abilities they will give you a standing ovation.

Virgo

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

On a Tuesday morning, you will sneeze so hard that you will enter into a second dimension where you will start a chain motel business. Though you never dreamed of owning motels, you will settle down, have a family and learn to love your new life.

Libra

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

While working on your final stats assignment, you will drift to sleep and experience the best nap you’ve ever had. This nap will be so good you will lose all concept of time and money, and you will finally break free from the chains of capitalism.

Scorpio

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will have seventeen dreams of a cowboy in outer-space yelling “9202” at you. Though this may be confusing, these numbers will help you win $10 in late December.

Sagittarius

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

In the spring, your debit card and all of your banking information will be stolen. However, instead of money being withdrawn from your account, over $1,000,000 will be deposited.

Capricorn

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will mistakenly buy a pair of grey socks off the dark web. These socks will help you get straight A’s in all of your courses, but they will also cause you to start communicating with Mark Zuckerberg through your dreams. 

Aquarius

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

While on a Zoom call with your two closest friends, you will research how Canada is not exempt from the type of white-supremacy and neo-fascism the world witnessed in America on Jan. 6, 2021. Though this is far from good news, you will use this information to hold government officials accountable and to make Canada a better place. 

Pisces

Feb. 19 – March 20

A talent agency in Grande Prairie will discover your Instagram account, and a man named Timothy will become your agent. You will then star in a movie called, Why Fish Swim? Part 1091.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

While at a Tim Hortons drive-through, you will develop an economic theory that will revolutionize the modern world. History will remember you as one of the smartest humans to ever live. 

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You will discover that Chad Kroeger, the lead singer of Nickelback, is your uncle. This discovery will cause you to have an identity crisis, but don’t worry, he’s actually a really nice guy.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You will develop a minor ear infection at the end of the year. However, you will also have a thriving bread bakery — win some, lose some, am I right?

This article is part of our humour section.


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