Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Illustration edited by Mariah Wilson

Horoscopes: What side of TikTok are the signs on?

By Josie Simon, February 15 2020—

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

For the past few weeks, you’ve been on the Squishmallow side of TikTok. Whether you’re watching an unboxing video or a Squishmallow hunting vlog, you’ve been absolutely bewitched by these adorable plushies. You’re an extremely kindhearted person, but you often struggle with self doubt and deep-seated self confidence issues. I would recommend taking some time to bake yourself your favourite dessert later this week. 

Leo

July 23 – Aug. 22 

You’ve been on the cosplay side of TikTok since September. Watching people dress up and lip-sync as characters from your favourite anime is your preferred method of escapism. Lately, you’ve been finding yourself daydreaming about running away to a foreign land to start a new life a bit too often and it’s starting to concern you. You’ve most likely always wanted to get into LARPing (Live Action RolePlaying), but never have because your anxiety won’t let you express the person you truly are. 

Virgo

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 

You’ve been coping with the enormous emotional stress of your life by cleaning and organizing your home and every night you’ve been spending hours on the cleaning side of TikTok. Watching people use foaming bleach to clean their toilets has brought your little Virgo heart joy. Your friends and family often praise you for being productive, but when was the last time you actually did something for yourself? Outside of school, work and household chores, how long has it been since you’ve felt happy or fulfilled? Take this as a sign to do some self-care this week. 

Libra

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 

The crush you’ve had on Ellen Degeneres for the past seven years has taken a radical turn in recent months. For weeks you were on the Ellen Degeneres fan side of TikTok, but since you found out how she treats her staff, you’ve done some self-reflection, and you’ve realized that abusing the working class is not hot. Since this revelation, you’ve been feeling lost and confused. The woman you thought you’d one day marry is now nothing but a stranger. Hang in there Libra.

Scorpio

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

I’m going to be blunt, you’ve been going through a life crisis. You’ve been on the stock market side of TikTok for the past few weeks attempting to figure out how to become a millionaire through investing in GameStock. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there, and you’ll get through this. I recommend that you take a shower, brush your teeth, call your Mom and go on a walk. 

Sagittarius

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Since you’ve downloaded TikTok in May, you’ve been firmly on the dark-academia side of TikTok. Your innate romantic nature cannot be tamed, and you find beauty in the most mundane tasks. Whether you’re brushing your teeth or cramming for your stats midterm, you often think of your life as an idealized daydream that would be the perfect plot for an indie short film. 

Capricorn

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Capricorn, I’m slightly worried about you. You’ve been on witch TikTok since September, learning how to cast magic spells and how to hex your enemies. Act with caution — you are about to enter a crucial period where you will make a defining decision in your craft. Will you work with black or white magic? The choice is up to you, but whatever you do, do not trust a man with a Nickelback tattoo named Kyle. 

Aquarius

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 

You’ve been securely on the acting side of TikTok for the last six months. You love watching acting prompts and using them to live your thespian fantasy. Though you may spend your days studying for your bio midterms, you dream of the day that your acting talents will be recognized. I see an acting opportunity coming to you in mid-April. 

Pisces

Feb. 19 – March 20 

Between Zoom classes, you like to spend your time on the renovation side of TikTok. You love watching satisfying videos of people transforming their once messy rooms into modern-day masterpieces. Since the beginning of the pandemic, the desire to change your bedroom’s appearance has been on your mind. You want your room to reflect your current stage of life — and that’s completely valid. Use this as a sign to buy that new IKEA bedspread you’ve been looking at.

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Ever since the new year, your chaotic Aries energy has become all-encompassing. In a desperate attempt to learn what it’s like on the inside, you’ve been spending a lot of your time on the prison side of TikTok. Your favourite videos are daily vlogs and morning routines from Alaskan felons. You often think that one day you might find yourself in prison, and you want to learn the best way to spend your time before you go. 

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You’re an extremely wholesome individual who spends a lot of their time on the bread baking side of TikTok. You love learning about the most recent recipes and techniques in the world of bread making, although whether or not you’ve actually baked a loaf of bread is another discussion… 

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re on the Disney adult side of TikTok. You love using TikTok to learn strange facts about the tunnels underneath Walt Disney World. You often daydream about dropping out of school, moving to Oklahoma and becoming a professional crime scene cleaner.


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