Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Photo by Mariah Wilson

Horoscopes: To eat or not to eat — Stampede edition

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, July 16 2021—

With Stampede coming back this year we’re also seeing the return of the wonderful and sometimes — almost excessively — weird foods being offered at the midway. What new or weird food should you try at Stampede this year based on your zodiac sign?

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22)

Spamalot by REEL Mac and Cheese

Nothing would make you cry more than mustard on mac and cheese and spam to top it all off. I hope your stomach is stronger than your resistance against the peer pressure to eat this.

Leo: (July 23 – August 21)

Golden Kraken by The Dumpling Hero

This weird food will have edible gold as an ingredient, so you have to have it — since you are what you eat. This dish also has squid legs in it. Now, what would that say about you?

Virgo: (August 22 – September 22)

Potato-less cheese curd poutine by Cheese Curds

Poutine is already a common food you’ll find at the stampede. Since you hate stepping out of your comfort zone, you give this a shot because it’s adventurous without being too different from regular poutine. The lack of fries is already too much of a thrill for you to go beyond that.

Libra: (September 23 – October 22)

Sushi tacos from Happy Fish

This meal will tackle your indecision with ease and offer two amazing options in one slightly fishy — pun intended — solution. It also comes with a special mango sauce that goes well with sushi and tacos, further enticing you. 

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 22)

Pickle lemonade from Drink a Fruit, from the fruit!

You’ll be able to look classy and try something new with this drink. Just make sure you don’t make a sour face after every sip — unless you’re wearing a mask to hide it.

Sagittarius: (November 23 – December 21)

Pork intestine by The Hungry Beast

You want to stand out but you don’t want to upset your stomach, so you get to try a pork intestine skewer. It doesn’t stand out much, but you decided to use the skewer to steal some food from your group. 

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 20)

Double donut chicken burger by Steve-o’s Homestyle Fried Chicken

You see this as a deal — to have both your protein and dessert put together. The weird stares you get won’t bother you, knowing you are the one winning in this situation — at least in your eyes you are.

Aquarius: (January 21 – February 19)

Rainbow street corn by Tikka N Tequila

You believe that the right food will make you see heaven, so you give the street corn dog and the multiple flavours it has to offer a shot. As you go down the corn, your taste buds will exalt at all the flavours.

Pisces: (February 20 – March 20)

Seafood ramen poutine by Happy Fish

Like Virgo, you don’t want to move too far from your comfort zone and as a water sign, what better choice than adding seafood to poutine? With noodles, clams and cheese curds all in one meal, you feel butterflies and also a little queasiness in your stomach. 

Alternative option: Louisiana gator bites by Paolini’s Concessions

They seem like gator timbits and their name doesn’t help but you decide to give them a shot regardless. After having a few, a weird feeling starts bubbling in your stomach. You’re not sure if it’s the gator fighting back or your stomach hungry for more. I hope you brought an emergency barf bag in case it’s the former.

Aries: (March 21 – April 20)

Flamin’ hot Cheeto mini donuts by Cin City Donuts

Once you get these, you will start asking people how fast they think you can finish it without cracking. But you won’t wait to see who challenges you to go through it. Tears will stream out of your eyes, which an onlooker will believe are out of joy, but you know it’s your low intolerance to spicy foods — even if they’re hot Cheetos. 

Taurus: (April 21 – May 20)

Street corn coconut by Drink a Fruit, form the fruit!

You don’t care too much for trying anything new, but peer pressure will land you on this choice. It’s different enough that no one will judge you but simple enough that you aren’t stepping too far outside of your comfort zone. 

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21)

Rainbow grilled cheese by Gourmet Grilled Cheese and Poutine

You mistakenly thought it was different types of cheese that gave it that colour but it’s just food dye. You try to convince yourself that each colour has its own flavour in hopes of having an experience to write about on your social media.

This article is part of our humour section.


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