What your favourite Spider-Man says about you
By Ramiro Bustamante Torres and Megan Wilson, January 15 2022—
There are so many Spider-men — Spider-people, Spider-beings? — out there and your favourite can say a lot about your personality. We offer you our humble, and correct, opinion on what your favourite Spider-person, popularised by films and TV, says about you.
Tobey Maguire:
You are either a classics-enjoyer that understands the flaws that come with a first-time-around production or a snob that will excuse any error in the name of preserving the classics, while criticizing the new. There is no in-between and you know who you are.
You’re also the type of student that is doing great academically but struggling in all other aspects. We get it, talking to other people is hard, okay? That being said, you’re either a loveable dork or a lover of dorks and we need more people like you in the world. Now, what you really need is to stop being psychoanalyzed and for someone to fix that damn door.
Andrew Garfield:
Yes, he was trying to portray a high schooler while in his 20’s but we’ve seen that take before and need to switch it up. This Spider-Man is for those who are young at heart while not so young themselves anymore. You also might have a small not-like-other-girls mentality so make sure you get that checked out before proclaiming Garfield as your favourite iteration.
On the plus side, you either have great hair or appreciate the greatness of hair that can only come from the unhinged bedhead of falling asleep exclusively after 2 a.m. Some people might say this is a symptom of a “quarter-life crisis” and tell you it might be valuable to “talk to someone” but you prefer to resort to your old faithful — “aggressively throwing a peace sign as you chaotically make your way through the world.”
Tom Holland:
Maybe you’re new to Spider-Man or genuinely enjoyed the movies. Either way, you’re the type of person who wants to please others and puts in the extra-effort to look composed. But, deep down, you have imposter syndrome. This might be why you rely on mentor figures in your life to validate your decisions.
However, this people-pleasing isn’t all bad. It comes from a place of genuinely caring about other people, wanting to help your community and knowing that doing the right thing often involves personal sacrifice. These are noble qualities. Unfortunately, it also means you’re a simp. Make of that what you will.
Old-School Cartoon Spider-Man:
Meme lord (affectionate). Seriously, you’re really funny. You always have the best reaction images in the group chat and can rattle off quippy one-liners in person. Humour is definitely a coping mechanism for you but you hide it so well that no one notices.
You’re probably aggressively finger-gunning or looking in a mirror and pointing at yourself in response to that right now. Sometimes you have to communicate in ways other than reaction images. Save that funny content for powerpoint night please, because we as a society have progressed past the need to assign everyone in the friend group dog breeds. Use your superpowers to make the group laugh in ways that don’t involve self-deprecation.
Miles Morales:
You have taste and could never go wrong with him. You excel at what you do but you’re also hard on yourself. You find comfort in the familiar but you do better when you have something new and exciting happening. Is that a symptom of ADHD? Maybe but don’t worry about that.
Actually, your ability to juggle so much with a rotating attention span is kind of a spider-sense-like superpower in and of itself. If only you could channel it into something other than doodles on lecture notes and aggressively creating new Spotify study playlists every fifteen minutes instead of actually working. Pro tip — classical music playlists are criminally underrated.
Gwen Stacy:
You are That Guy — with a capital ‘G.’ You get the aux cord on every road trip and you get to ride shotgun uncontested. You intentionally cut your hair in a way a sleep-deprived hairdresser might as an accident but the difference is you make it look good.
There is definitely some repressed fear of losing others deep inside, so you try to distance yourself emotionally, which makes you seem detached. But, your heart is big and you are loyal to a fault. The good news is that if Gwen Stacy is your favourite, you actually pull off a cool aesthetic and aloof energy that makes people want to get to know you. If only you could open up and let others experience that wonderful side of you.
Peter B. Parker:
The key difference between you and the folks who love Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man is that while they’re having a quarter-life crisis, you’re already mentally in your 40’s and having a mid-life crisis. Congratulations! I’d call you an old soul but it’s not really grandparents old, more like taxes and auto-insurance keep you up at night and you’re at a place in your life where you get really excited about Tupperware.
That all being said, you’re also fairly responsible and probably a mentor figure in some capacity. Keep those darn kids out of trouble and consider buying yourself an extra nice pair of sweatpants as we move into yet another semester of online school.
Peni Parker:
We get it, you like anime and Pacific Rim. That or you’re the straight-A student, only-child that never gets to see their parents, so they make a friend that isn’t quite human. You are an intelligent person and really appreciate seeing a bright young woman in STEM, kicking some butt and saving the world.
Maybe you also appreciate Penny’s fresh take on the spider origin story and think the way her powers are executed are super cool. However, face the facts, you are also a weeb. We could bring up how formative watching Neon Genesis Evangelion or Gundam were for you but that would be another 500 words and probably lead to an existential spiral, so we’ll just end it here.
Spider Noir:
You’re on a different wavelength than everyone else. You might also be colourblind and weirdly accept the fact that you can identify with this character. You call yourself an old-fashioned person but we know you just want to be part of the group.
If someone were to look through your closet, they would find a fedora you unironically wear — not in a m’lady way but because it genuinely looks good on you and the fear of social ostracisation is ever-present so you have the fedora stashed away if the need arises. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and those out-of-touch phrases of yours are actually funny.
Spider-Ham:
John Mulaney was your favourite comedian for a very long time and you’re probably not taking his divorce well. We get it, having a parasocial relationship with a celebrity who is put on a pedestal and then inevitably falls in the court of public opinion can be rough.
Luckily, you can still listen to Spider-Ham’s funny one-liners without seeing John Mulaney’s face and tearing up, wondering where it all went wrong. Either that or you’re just a zany, goofy guy who laughs at loud noises.
Spider Pig:
You haven’t seen any Spider-Man content since The Simpsons Movie (2007), which is honestly quite impressive. Not sure how you managed that one. Also, you mentally never left seventh grade and probably still have the mullet to prove it. If there is someone to shoot spitballs during a university-level lecture, it’s going to be you.
Bonus: Venom:
You either want to enter a symbiotic relationship with a slime tentacle monster or Tom Hardy. Quite possibly both. To that, we salute you and thank you for your service. Your friends do fear you a little bit due the raw, unhinged energy that you give off. People avert their gaze when you look them in the eye and the room goes quiet when you enter. Also, please take a shower.
This article is part of our humour section.