Activities to occupy your time with as you wait for your internet to get activated

By Ava Zardynezhad, September 27 2022—

There will come a time in life where you find yourself in an empty apartment, waiting for your internet services to activate. This will be excruciating. You will not have a clue what to do with your life. You will suffer. Here are some activities to occupy your time with while you wait. 

Burn through your cellular data in less than 24 hours

This activity only works if you get cellular data with your phone plan. If you are privileged enough for unlimited data, this activity is not for you — why are you even reading this? This is a really fun activity once you start. You will tell yourself that you have will power and you know how to set limits — 100 megabytes a day, you convince yourself. You browse social media, you read the news, you message your loved ones and then you turn off your data. But then, you’re lying in bed at 11 p.m. with no other sources of entertainment and strange noises you’re not used to, so you turn your data back on. You know the rest, there’s no need for me to spell it out. 

Update your phone contacts’ photos

Once you’re left stranded with no data, you start surfing the apps that don’t need data — let’s face it, you’re gonna open your gallery. As you scroll through pictures, you realize you haven’t updated your contacts’ photos since you got your phone and your best friend’s picture is still set to the grainy one you took in your middle school cafeteria when you both had a mouthful of braces. It’s time to wipe all evidence of that era of your life off the face of the Earth. Unfortunately, the new options are not much of an upgrade because though you and your friends no longer wear braces, you don the dark undereye circles that play an integral, formative part in the identity of any university student. You decide braces are far superior and keep the photos. 

Adopt a houseplant

To feel less disconnected from the world, you decide to go outside. In the great outdoors of your nearest supermarket, you act on impulse and buy a potted plant — or two. Once you get home, you realize you don’t know how to take care of plants and there’s no manual enclosed with this one. If you have the instincts of a plant parent, I envy you. If you don’t, you already know how this story ends. 

Theorize which branch of the mafia your neighbour is a member of 

Without a plant to take care of and nothing else to do around the house, you decide to spend your time people-watching. But, the more you notice the strange comings and goings of your neighbours, the more you allow your paranoia to take the wheel. Your tendency to think about the worst-case scenario kicks in and you come up with an elaborate theory involving your neighbours, a certain organized crime group, a baptism, a massacre and potentially, animal carcasses under your bed sheets. You better start watching your back. 

Befriend a gourd 

The natural progression for you from paranoia will be delusion. Completely isolated from the world and with no one to talk to, you will befriend your fall harvest. You will name them Wilson and carve out a little face. Just remember to keep Wilson refrigerated overnight, or you will wake up to a tragic sight — and a tragic smell. 

I wish you the best of luck during this non-self-imposed digital cleanse. But more than anything, I hope your Wi-Fi gets connected soon.

This article is part of our humour section.