Ten ways to ruin the mood in the bedroom
By Brooklyn Billinghurst, February 13 2024—
As we approach Valentine’s Day, many find themselves befuddled on how to create the perfect sultry mood for our partner to let them know that we are, for lack of a better term, horny. While I’m really not sure what cocktail of ambience creates the right mood for sexy time, I do know what creates the wrong mood. So, if you’re a first-timer or a consummate consummator, I’ve compiled a list of vibe killers to steer clear from this Valentine’s Day that may or may not be from personal experience (I’ll let you guys try to figure it out). And, as always, consent is sexy.
1. Playing any song from the Toy Story soundtrack
Believe it or not, the track to get your partner in the mood does not, and will never, come from a children’s movie. I don’t know about you guys but something about Randy Newman does not make me want to have a friend in me.
2. Thief play
This is the act of taking things at random from your partner’s apartment until they notice (bonus if you can do it in a burlap sack with dollar signs on it while wearing a little black mask over your eyes). However, as sexy as this may seem, don’t try it. My ex called it stealing when he noticed that I had taken $20 from his wallet. Just not a romantic, I guess.
3. Wearing suspenders, thick black glasses, and the hat with the little propeller on it whilst holding a comically large lollipop
Clothing is a big part of getting your partner in the mood. This get-up does not, and probably will never, inspire feelings of lust.
4. Playing “About You” by The 1975 and then crying because it made you think of an Tik Tok edit of Greta Gerwig’s Little Women
Listen, if this is the case for you, you are seen, you are heard. I have not forgotten about you. Maybe put on a less depressing track, like “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit.
5. Revealing that you and your roommate are proprietors of a successful hog breeding firm and asking your partner for help in birthing the piglets
This one may seem a little niche, but if I had a nickel for every time I made it back to a guy’s apartment and was forced to help him birth hogs, I would have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it is weird that it’s happened twice. So, save the hog talk.
6. Having your Funko Pops startlingly visible from your bed
I’m not saying the problem here is having Funko Pops per se, but if your lover can feel Jack Skellington’s eyes on them as they’re undressing, you’ve done something wrong.
7. Doing dirty talk as Ray Romano
Despite popular belief, not everybody loves Raymond.
8. Asking your partner if they think there will be a second Five Nights at Freddy’s (FNAF) film
Unless you want to remind them of their lice-ridden eight-year-old iPad kid cousin, I suggest you stay away from the entire FNAF franchise for the entirety of the evening.
9. Ingot play
I know it can be tempting to bring out your collection of iron ore and roleplay as the dog/man owner of The Curio Shop in Webkinz, haggling over prices and trying to get a fair deal for your wares. However, this is not a successful way to arouse your partner. Leave your ore at home.
10. Revealing that you are an English major
Never be ashamed of who you are, unless you are an English major. As one of them, take my advice here. The constant yapping of how no one will ever live up to Mr. Darcy (which is so true and valid), or how you would have killed Bunny if you were in The Secret History is not sexy. Hide this detail for as long as you possibly can (ideally until marriage).
This article is part of our humour section.