Top 10 first-year mistakes
By Josie Simon, September 26 2024—
Welcome to university — it’s a confusing place filled with mediocre coffee, questionable life choices and a staggering number of new responsibilities. To help you navigate this experience, here are the top 10 mistakes to avoid during your first year.
1. Having a baby
Let’s start with a classic mistake: one night of poor judgment leads to a nine-month surprise. Sure, it’s an adventure you didn’t plan for, but who needs sleep, a social life, or personal space anyway? Consider it nature’s way of keeping things unexpectedly interesting.
2. Smoking too much weed
Nothing quite encapsulates “higher education,” like overindulging and suddenly believing that campus geese are out to get you. If you develop an inexplicable hatred for peanut butter sandwiches, congratulations! You’ve graduated to the advanced course in paranoia.
3. Pulling all-nighters
There’s something about pulling all-nighters that feels like a rite of passage. You might manage to finish that paper but be prepared to emerge looking like a zombie and questioning all your life choices.
4. Assuming Sociology 201 is going to be easy
Thinking Sociology 201 will be a walk in the park just because you’re a TikTok-famous keyboard warrior? That’s like assuming TikTok opinions qualify as legitimate research. Your professor won’t be impressed, so prepare for an academic wake-up call and a potential detour down Dismal GPA Avenue.
5. Embracing a fruit-free lifestyle
If your diet mainly consists of ramen and caffeine, congratulations —you’re on the fast track to a scurvy diagnosis. When your friends ask why your teeth are loose and your skin has blue spots, just smile (if you can). They clearly don’t understand true culinary sophistication.
6. Getting engaged
Committing to a life partner before you’ve even selected a major? Bold strategy! Who needs a stable career when you can embrace the “trad wife” lifestyle? Forget about building your future; just focus on planning the wedding and perfecting those homemade pie recipes!
7. Joining a protest without understanding the cause
Want to make a statement? Grab a sign and dive into the action! Just make sure it doesn’t unintentionally contradict your beliefs. Protests are only good for a sense of community when the pizza is free afterward, right?
8. Telling everyone you’re going straight to law school
Telling all your friends you’re heading straight to law school can feel empowering, but it doesn’t make it true. Reality sets in when you can barely get through basic calculus. Navigating the LSAT will be tough if you can’t even handle your current syllabus.
9. Becoming an alcoholic
Every night can seem like a celebration waiting to happen in university. Treating every Wednesday night like New Year’s Eve might be fun initially, but your liver will have other opinions. Explaining your tequila-fueled decisions to yourself is a great way to start any Thursday.
10. Getting a tattoo because you’re an “adult” now
The hallmark of adulthood: committing to a tattoo you’ll likely regret later. Sure, a Taylor Swift “Reputation” tattoo might feel meaningful right now, but wait until it becomes a permanent reminder of your temporary “Look What You Made Me Do” phase.
Just remember, laughter might be the best medicine, but it won’t save you when you’re staring into the abyss of existential dread at 3 a.m., stuck in a loop of reliving your most embarrassing moments.
This article is part of our humour section.