Horoscopes: Are you on the naughty or nice list?

By Josie Simon, December 9 2024—

The famous naughty or nice list is almost ready in Santa’s workshop. Guess what — everyone’s on the naughty list this year. Let’s look at the sins against Santa each zodiac sign has committed.

1. Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Naughty for Ignoring Bills 

You’re naughty because you ignore your growing pile of credit card bills, living in blissful denial of your reckless spending. The shadow of debt follows you like the ghost of Christmas past. 

2. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Naughty for Shopping on Shein

You’re naughty for buying from Shein, supporting modern-day slavery for that dopamine hit. Remember, your shopping choices have real-world consequences.

3. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Naughty for Gaslighting

You’ve been secretly eating your roommate’s cookies and making them think they never existed. This has caused your roommate to doubt their memory so much that they’ve visited a neurologist.

4. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Naughty for Skipping Showers

You’re naughty for skipping showers after working out. People can smell you from a mile away. 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) – Naughty for Tax Evasion

You’re naughty for not filing your 2023 taxes. How is Calgary supposed to fill its potholes with your tax dollars missing?

6. Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Naughty for Steamed Veggies Odour

You’re naughty because you keep microwaving steamed veggies in MacEwan Hall, making the entire food court smell like feet. 

7. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) – Naughty for Bullying JoJo

You’re naughty because when JoJo Siwa released her song “Karma,” you made fun of her online. Even during her “bad girl” era, you turned out to be the real bad girl.

8. Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – Naughty for Indulging in Dairy

You enjoy dairy despite knowing it gives you toots, stinking up the class and embracing the chaos it causes.

9. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Naughty for Toilet Privilege

You’re guilty of naughtiness for using accessible toilets and occupying spaces not meant for you. Your careless choices echo unjust privilege.

10. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Naughty for False Claims

You pretend to know ASL when you don’t, wearing a false intellectual mask. Each lie weakens your credibility.

11. Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Naughty for Fake Health

You make others feel guilty with your talk about clean eating, yet secretly indulge in junk food, setting an unattainable standard without following it yourself.

12. Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Naughty for Doritos Trickery

Naughty Pisces, you lick the flavour off Doritos and put them back in the bag. Your roommates are experiencing soggy chips thanks to you.

This article is part of our fake news humour section.