Fake news: Market Mall fires Santa
By Abbas Hussain, December 24 2024—
Welcome to the festive Christmas season, filled with delightful treats and plenty of jolly fun. It’s that time of year when you can sit back, enjoy a cup of hot coffee, and watch the snowfall. People celebrate Christmas in many ways—whether it is by setting up Christmas trees, indulging in delicious treats, watching Home Alone, or visiting your local mall Santa.
However, it may come as a shock that the Market Mall has fired its local Santa. The mall’s director, Jack Steinburg, explained the rationale behind the decision in an interview with The Gauntlet.
“We are always committed to providing the best experience for our customers, regardless of their age, and during this festive season of giving, it is especially important to give back. A mall Santa is a key part of that, as he continues the tradition of sharing the joyous tale of a man with a thick beard who magically descends from the North Pole to deliver gifts to each and every child through their chimney based on how they have behaved throughout the year,” Steinburg stated.
When asked specifically about the firing of the mall Santa, Steinburg offered a very corporate response.
“The reason for the mall Santa’s dismissal this year was that he was simply not suitable for the event, and he didn’t fit into our schedule with all the other activities we are organizing, including but not limited to decorating our massive Christmas tree in the center of the mall, providing a table where customers can submit Christmas cards to Santa, and offering a rocket ride for a quick trip to the North Pole to visit Santa’s helpers.”
Dissatisfied with this explanation, we decided to dig deeper. After many restless nights fueled by Chinese takeout and extensive investigations—including visits to the mayor’s office—we arrived at a petty yet disturbing conclusion. It turns out that the Market Mall Santa was fired for being too good at his job, which appears to have wounded the ego of the mall director, Steinburg. By gaining access to the Market Mall Employee system, aptly named the In Demand Injury Optimization Technology System, we uncovered some comments left by Steinburg. Here is a glimpse of what he said:
“This [employee] has not met our standards and simply wastes his days while sitting in a ridiculous chair shaped like a banana, sipping one hundred percent pure-grade ‘cement’ in his ‘coffee.’ His weight is incredibly disproportionate to that of his Uncle Ned. He spends most of his days at the nuclear sub, constantly ordering an Aristotle. Let’s not even begin to discuss the trouble with ginger.”
Unsurprisingly, when asked for a comment regarding these accusations, Steinburg declined to respond to The Gauntlet. If you want to submit a complaint about Steinburg’s conduct, contact them via any of their social media channels.
This article is part of our fake news humour section.