Quiz: How likely are you to be attacked by a campus goose?

By Freeha Anjum, April 10 2025—

Recent sightings on campus suggest the threat of wild geese has returned this spring. How likely are you to be a victim?

1. A goose hisses at you (yes, hisses). You…

1. Hiss back (louder)
2. Run away and complain to all your friends about a goose hissing at you
3. Google what a goose hiss means and what you should do to assert your dominance
4. Probably didn’t even notice it happened
5. Try to pet it 

2. You make your way to your 9 am class, so tired you’re practically seeing double. You’re about to enter the lecture hall when you spot a goose (or is it two?) on guard at the door. What do you do?

1. Just walk right past, and the goose better move out of your way
2. Sit outside the lecture and cry
3. Pull up the textbook and try to self-teach the content of the day 
4. You assume you’re just seeing things, so you walk straight into the wild animal
5. Offer some of your vanilla latte up as a peace offering 

3. You’ve angered one, and it’s B-lining towards you. What’s your strategy?

1. It’s small, and you’re big, so you stand your ground
2. Scream for help (but don’t move out of the way)
3. Attempt to tame it, How To Train Your Dragon style
4. Just move out of the way
5. Flap your wings, and it’ll think you’re one of them

4. Are you a fast runner?

1. Fast enough to outrun a goose
2. I don’t know, I haven’t run in a long time
3. Depends on how many tripping hazards there are
4. I don’t understand how this question applies
5. No, why?

5. What’s one thing you probably shouldn’t do if you see a goose on campus, minding its own business?

1. Don’t kick it, I guess?
2. Don’t step in its poop because that would be so totally gross
3. Don’t come within 15 feet of it!
4. Why would there be a goose on campus?
5. Don’t call it ugly! I hear they don’t like that

6. What is your ideal way to spend time outdoors?

1. Power walk, let the energy out
2. It’s disgusting outside, I prefer indoor activities
3. Taking calming walks to ease my mind
4. Picking flowers
5. Seeking out wild animals

Answers:

Mostly A’s

You’re a pretty aggressive person, which usually fairs badly in these situations, but if done right, you could probably convince the geese you’re one of them. Just make sure you make it known who the alpha is (but if that doesn’t work, don’t sue The Gauntlet).

Mostly B’s

Don’t worry your little royal head – the geese won’t get to you. Mainly because you’ve done a good job of thwarting them with your clearly pretentious demeanour, but this spring, it’ll be working in your favour.

Mostly C’s

You’re really careful. About everything. All the time. This may be a curse in another world (Chidi from The Good Place and you would be good friends), but I have strong faith you won’t get mauled by a goose. 

Mostly D’s

Why did you even take this quiz? Not to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not known for your keen senses or quick reflexes. You’ll probably get attacked just for being an easy target, and I can’t even tell if you care. 

Mostly E’s

I wish I had better news for you, but you have managed to pick the worst answers possible. So that means…well, ignorance is bliss, right?

This article is part of our humour section.