By Melanie Woods, March 22 2016 —
Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
After meeting Carly Rae Jepsen in the basement of a seedy bar in the East Village, you will suddenly be unable to express your love of something … Read the rest
By Simran Kaler, March 15 2016 —
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
If a snowman ask you to journey to his winter wonderland after class, politely decline. He’ll probably melt by then and that’s an awkward interaction you will … Read the rest
By Jill Girgulis, March 8 2016 —
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will go to add courses to your enrolment shopping cart, only to be informed that your cart is full. Further investigation will reveal that you … Read the rest
By Sean Willett, March 1 2016 —
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
The rabbits on campus will act stranger than normal, congregating in small groups and staring unwaveringly at passing students. You will swear you overheard them shit-talking you.… Read the rest
By Melanie Woods, February 23 2016 —
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will wake up tomorrow with presidential candidate Stephan Guscott’s beard. It looks good on you.
Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
A terrified-looking man in a … Read the rest
By Melanie Woods, February 9 2016 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
While swiping through Tinder, you will see an adorable dog. The dog enjoys long walks in the park and napping by the fireplace. He is seven years … Read the rest
By Melanie Woods, February 2 2016 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will miss the train, go grab a coffee and then just barely miss the next train. This must be what Cleveland Browns fans feel like on … Read the rest
By Joie Atejira, January 28 2016 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your hotline’s going to bling, and it will be the booty call you’ve been waiting for.
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Don’t forget to remind your … Read the rest
By Melanie Woods, January 19 2016 —
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will be approached by a stranger in gold who will fuck you over and give you a cold.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
While … Read the rest
By Melanie Woods, December 1 2015 —
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your significant other will purchase you a knock-off Minions bodypillow for the holidays. Your “goggle-wearing villain assistant” will keep you warm during the dark, cold nights.… Read the rest