2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

‘Tis the season for the future

By Melanie Woods, December 1 2015 —



(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Your significant other will purchase you a knock-off Minions bodypillow for the holidays. Your “goggle-wearing villain assistant” will keep you warm during the dark, cold nights.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While indulging in a festive cup of rum and eggnog, you will find an actual egg at the bottom of the glass.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

A reindeer will shit on your  ECON 369 final paper.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Your secret Santa will  purchase you 50 identical blue ballpoint pens.


(March 21 – April 19)

While grocery shopping, you will notice that you can purchase eggnog-flavoured cream cheese. Has mankind gone too far?


(April 20 – May 20)

You will attend a holiday craft fair and discover that all of their wares are made entirely out of human hair.


(May 21 – June 20)

You will watch the hit holiday film Elf 12 times this month and realize how empty your life is.


(June 21 – July 22)

Over Christmas dinner, your racist uncle will unleash all of his opinions on ISIS, the Trudeau government, Benghazi,
marriage equality and the Syrian refugee crisis.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will lose your keys in a snowbank. Three months later, you’ll find the raccoon that found them is now running an illegal drug cartel out of your trunk.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

A fat man in red will aproach you on the train with a sack full of “gifts.” He’s not Santa.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

In an attempt to find out if there’s a difference between candy cane Oreos® and mint Oreos®, you will eat 500 Oreos ®and immediately regret everything you’ve ever done.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will construct a snowman friend. Unfortunately, due to climate change, your only friend will melt into a sad puddle.

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