2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

It’s raining your future, hallelujah

By Simran Kaler, March 15 2016 —


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

If a snowman ask you to journey to his winter wonderland after class, politely decline. He’ll probably melt by then and that’s an awkward interaction you will want to avoid.


(March 21 – April 19)

You will step outside holding an umbrella. If it isn’t raining, at least it will be a great conversation starter.


(April 20 – May 20)

Do not ignore the weather forecast this week. It will be correct upwards of two times.


(May 21 – June 20)

If you sneeze in the morning, you’ll be sweating by afternoon. Or come into great fortune — the stars are iffy on this one.


(June 21 – July 22)

If a groundhog crosses your path and offers to disclose the secret of Calgary’s weather, walk away. Humanity is not ready for that kind of knowledge.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Jack Frost will nip at your nose. You will punch him in the mouth.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

If you see a groundhog outside it means six more weeks of winter. If you see the sun shining, it means the long-awaited apocalypse is upon us.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

A bird migrating north for the summer will ask if you want to join them on a trip to Nunavut and you will excitedly jump on their back. The bird will be unable to get off the ground. You’re just too heavy.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

It will rain while you are outside. The only umbrella you will have on you is one of those tiny ones for garnishing tropical drinks.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will become so angry at the ever-changing temperature that you will proceed to yell at the clouds. They will prove their dominance by making it snow. Never get into an argument with a cloud.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

If you wake up in the morning and there are no clouds in the sky, squirrels will become our overlords. Maybe not tomorrow — but someday.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

It will start raining books. Remember to bring a wooden plank for a shield, or you will be knocked unconscious and miss the rest of your classes.

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