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Fall in love with your future this Valentine’s Day

By Melanie Woods, February 9 2016 —


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

While swiping through Tinder, you will see an adorable dog. The dog enjoys long walks in the park and napping by the fireplace. He is seven years old and three feet long. His favourite toy is red ball. He loves red ball. He is probably your soulmate.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

A tall, dark stranger on the train will hand you a box of chocolates. Inside, you will find the answers to your calculus midterm.


(March 21 – April 19)

After failing to find love on various dating sites, you will take to shouting proclamations of adoration at people on the street and be arrested within five minutes.


(April 20 – May 20)

You will receive a thoughtful  valentine from a secret admirer. Shortly after, you will receive a valentine from the deep-web assassin that murdered your secret admirer.


(May 21 – June 20)

After a jovial night out with friends, the person you have a crush on will offer to drive you home. With a chest full of butterflies, you’ll realize this is your big moment. But, before you go in for the kiss, they’ll tell you how much they love senator Ted Cruz.


(June 21 – July 22)

When your sex life starts to lose its spark, your partner will suggest a new deal. Nothing gets your girl in the mood like Roosevelt’s 1930s economic policy.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will arrive home to find rose petals arranged in a heart and an expensive bottle of red wine on your bed. However, upon closer inspection you will realize that the wine is Fruitopia® and the rose petals are damp leaves. Somehow, it still turns you on.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

While at Thursden, you    will meet a nice, respectful, interesting and kind-hearted person, prompting you to remember that true love does exist in this crazy world. When you turn around they will be gone in a puff of smoke.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

While engaged in an intimate Valentine’s eve of doing the do, knocking socks or whatever the kids call it these days, you will realize that your partner is a lizard person. Your bond will only grow stronger.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After lamenting your single status for an obnoxious amount of time to anyone who will listen, you will finally be asked out by not one, not two, not three, but four different people in giant waffle costumes this week. It’s everything you ever dreamed of.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

While  you are on a date with your crush, the camera will pan out and you’ll realize you’ve been in a romantic comedy this entire time. Your crush is Ryan Gosling and the two of you met when you bumped heads in a small indie bookstore. However, he’s moving across the country next week and wants you to join him. You will dump him immediately and pledge to be alone forever instead of letting the lamestream media dictate your life.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your partner will gift you with a single red rose on Valentine’s Day, which you will accidentally prick your finger on. It will be infected with the Zika virus.

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