By Riley Martens, February 16 2019 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Hankering for a midterm study sesh snack, you’ll head to the nearest fast-food chain. Walking into that McDonald’s will be a regrettable choice. Plastic cheese will be … Read the rest
By Riley Martens, February 8 2019 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Looking for a job, the only position you’ll get is as the new IKEA mascot, a viking. Apparently the last mascot, a desk, didn’t have mass appeal. … Read the rest
By Amal Asiff and Kristine Quong, January 28 2018 —
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Feeling inspired by Ariana Grande, you will flip through dates from Tinder this month by swiping right on every profile you see. Thank u, … Read the rest
By Frankie Hart, January 18 2019 —
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Your professor will announce that since they weren’t supposed to ask for doctor’s notes anymore, if you’re sick, you have to be examined by them personally. Seems … Read the rest
By Jenna Leong and Nigel Freno, January 10 2019 —
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Wanting to prepare yourself for Valentine’s Day, you’ll get a head start on crying. Who says you can only feel unbearably lonely once a … Read the rest
By Riley Martens, November 30 2018 —
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’ll learn to be more frugal this holiday season. For all your Christmas shopping needs, you’ll just go to the dollar store. You’ll buy all the presents … Read the rest
By Derek Baker, November 26 2018 —
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’ll accidentally screenshot a Snapchat story of your junior high ex’s wild night out. You have not talked to them in at least seven years. It be … Read the rest
By Matty Hume and Jason Herring, November 12 2018 —
Halloween has come and gone, but daily reality is the true source of fear. Here’s what your reading week has in store:
Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Whoops! Your … Read the rest
By Riley Martens, November 9 2018 —
Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
While studying, you will inadvertently set a new world record for the most amount of emails sent in one night. In a last-minute, half-assed attempt to save … Read the rest
By Riley Martens, October 23 2018 —
Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Oh Scorpio, oh Scorpio! How unabashed is thou. You reap what you sow. And because of Trudeau, your face is aglow and through grass, you mow.
Sagittarius… Read the rest
