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Your horoscope is brought to you by IKEA

By Riley Martens, February 8 2019 —


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Looking for a job, the only position you’ll get is as the new IKEA mascot, a viking. Apparently the last mascot, a desk, didn’t have mass appeal. To be eligible, you can only wear the colours yellow and blue for the full three-year contract. You’ll have to live in Sweden every winter, wear a fake beard and survive on a diet of pickled herring. It sounds tough, but you’ll finally have a job that doesn’t require burning your hands while pouring coffee.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

School supplies are too expensive, so you’ll need to get creative. You’ll have to track down a large and abundant source of writing utensils. Then it’ll strike you — IKEA! They have endless golf pencils. Sure, you’ll need at least seven of them to get through a lecture because they’ll keep breaking, but you can probably stuff at least 100 in your pocket.


(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll run low on patience sitting in MacHall with nothing to do, watching everyone just sitting and eating. What a bunch of killjoys. The only way to fix this is to go to IKEA. You’ll sit in the cafeteria and chuck that beautiful ball of Swedish meat at some poor sap across the room. They dive for cover behind the table. As the food fight starts, your prayers will be answered.


(April 20 – May 20)

You will develop a paralyzing fear that freezes your blood and keeps you awake at night: The phobia of staying in IKEA too long. Exposure to ready-to-assemble Nordic furniture for longer than 10 minutes is enough to break you into a cold sweat, but you desperately need that night table. Thankfully, there’s online shopping.


(May 21 – June 20)

Your local gym will close due to the recent snow. How are you supposed to get #swole? How are you gonna get in your cardio? IKEA, of course. The sooner you realize that IKEA is better than a gym, the better your gains. You’ll go and run around the store because it’s a freakin’ labyrinth. You’ll lift all those desks and chairs they just have lying around, just waiting to be benched.


(June 21 – July 22)

The stress of university will get to you. The best way to cope is to go off the grid. You’ll flee to the one place they’ll never find you — IKEA. You’ll hide under the bed displays. You’ll blend into the daytime crowds and you’ll stay the night. You’ll ransack the cafeteria for much-needed supplies and begin to live out your future life as the IKEA hermit. Just hope one of those showroom showers works.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You’ll become extremely paranoid about apocalypse preparation and discover the ultimate doomsday prep item — the noble IKEA bag. You can fit so many lingonberries in there. You’ll collect all the IKEA bags you can get your hands on, waiting for the ends of the Earth.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Your wallet is getting light. You need more money to satiate the beast. You’ll come up with a brilliant idea and advertise exotic tours of IKEA to tourists. You’ll put IKEA up on Airbnb and offer stays there. It’s not illegal because you’re not the one squatting. Everyone wins. Well, except for IKEA and the tourists.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

After an oddly enlightening visit to IKEA, you will establish a religion in worship of the furniture company. You’ll assemble the Sparsam one Norvikken by Norvikken. The whispers of Dagstorp can be heard. Soon, you’ll bring forth the destroyer of gastric peace and harbinger of irritable bowels, the Old God of Swedish Meatballs. One day your cult will  summon Dagstorp. You’ll harness the power of the Smȍrbolls and Odmjuks. Is IKEA furniture a little too Lovecraftian-sounding for your own good? You won’t know until after the ritual.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Uh-oh, you’re trapped. Are you being watched? You’ll be a participant in a highly illegal and morally dubious psychological experiment. You’re the mouse and IKEA is the maze. You’ll have to escape to succeed. But in IKEA, there is no escape.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll need a place to study. Your house is too noisy, the library is too full and Starbucks is packed to the brink for Frappy Hour. Where is a place free of noise, people and frappuccinos? The IKEA cafeteria. It’s open all day with the cheapest Swedish meatballs and free Wi-Fi. The best part? It’s no-frap February.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

The creative world is starved for new material. So, you’ll start recording an audiobook adaption of your IKEA fanfiction. “Then, the blob figure attached the hooghsjauft to the whiifwart to finally accomplish their life’s work, the Fyrkantig. Then the blob figure smiled,” you’ll read. It will be an instant success. Audible will sign you to a six-figure deal. Hopefully an IKEA sponsorship for a lifetime supply of throw pillows is in the future.

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