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Our horoscopes know how ready you are for midterms

By Riley Martens, November 9 2018 —


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

While studying, you will inadvertently set a new world record for the most amount of emails sent in one night. In a last-minute, half-assed attempt to save your grade from a free fall, you will flood your professor’s inbox with questions. Your prof will then break down, quit their job and pursue their true dream of driving across Canada in a Westfalia.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

After spending so many nights in TFDL, you’ll make the easy choice to move in. The hard part will be fitting your tent through the doors. You’ll camp inside the library, sustained only by knowledge and your 4.0 dream.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Apocalypse now! Maybe not, but it’s close. Your car won’t work, the CTrain will stall and your bus will get stuck, all on the morning of your midterm. You’ll have to marathon it to university to make it to class on time.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

After deciding university isn’t for you, you’ll drop out and pursue your lost dream of being an obnoxious foodie — the kind that takes selfies with their plates. Though it’s an unfortunate turn of events, it’s still better than midterms.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will piss off all your friends, not because of your usual blunderous personality, but because you’ll keep asking them for their notes. Their DMs will blow up with your questions, leading to you getting blocked. So much for a study group.


(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll decide to give up on studying for midterms. There’s no way you can absorb all that material. There’s only one logical solution left: travel to the nearest cornfield and make a crop circle in an attempt to contact your celestial saviours.


(April 20 – May 20)

You’ll push the limits of human endurance. While preparing for midterms, you’ll go without sleep, relying only on the magic of Red Bull to motivate and energize you for the following few weeks. This kills you. Sorry!


(May 21 – June 20)

You always knew you would find a purpose for that evil twin that lives in your attic. They’ll write the exam for you — if they’re willing to lay aside their plans of taking over your life.


(June 21 – July 22)

You’ll be studying away for that midterm next week when you find that half your notes have disappeared. It must have been the dog! Wait, you don’t have a dog. Your uncle was right — it was the wall-goblins. But why would they need your economics notes? It seems the wall-goblin economy is suffering from inflation and high unemployment rates.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Anxiety, poor nutrition and sleep deprivation are in your midterms future. How original.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Midterms will not be as stressful as last year, thanks to Trudeau. Just make sure you have a good amount of study snacks on hand. It’s time for sunny ways.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your midterm is on Monday and you’re not ready. Your mission, if you choose to accept it: blow out the school’s electrical grid with an EMP, crashing the system and canceling the midterm. Unfortunately for you, you won’t realize your midterm is actually on paper.

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