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Happy ho-ho-horoscopes

By Riley Martens, November 30 2018 —


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll learn to be more frugal this holiday season. For all your Christmas shopping needs, you’ll just go to the dollar store. You’ll buy all the presents you need for less than the price of the average shawarma. You’ll pray that all the spatulas, garden hoes and calculators you bought people will last for longer than a week.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Everyone will ask you what you’re doing for the holidays. “Food? Gifts? Travel? Family?” They will all ask. You have but one answer: sleep.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

This holiday season, you’ll pursue your true passion for caroling. You always hated how the carolers that came to your house never seemed to fully commit enough. So you’ll do it better and promote your burgeoning Soundcloud rap career. Those people are probably just staring at you in disbelief because your flow is so frosty.


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’ll have to be more charitable this holiday season because you need to get some of those co-curricular credits. There is only one option left for volunteering, though — being an elf at the Santa photo booth at your local mall. Those striped stockings will not compliment your legs at all. Just hope you don’t see anyone you know.


(March 21 – April 19)

One of your cousins will invite you out for a family reunion. But unknown to you, your cousin is planning on combining the reunion, late Thanksgiving and an early Christmas all within a span of three days. You’ll have to survive off of turkey for nine straight meals. But don’t worry, there will be leftovers. Just how big is your trunk, anyway?


(April 20 – May 20)

Your friends asked you to be a part of a gift exchange. You agreed to it, but will forget until the night before. You’ll get out of bed half-asleep and drive to Walmart. Realizing you forgot your shoes at home, but still needing to get a gift, you’ll walk through Walmart barefoot with the usual Friday night shopping crowd and hope a broken lava lamp will suffice. Too bad you’re over budget.


(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll learn to be more minimalist this holiday season. You won’t need Christmas lights or ornaments. All you’ll need is a single Christmas tree needle strewn on the floor. Life is simpler like this, happier. And isn’t this time of year all about joy?


(June 21 – July 22)

You’ll finally realize that holidays are for suckers. The government just wants the sheeple to be placated with holiday cheer and family dinners. They encourage you to buy Christmas trees and ignore carbon emissions. You won’t fall for the man’s trap of consumerism. You ain’t no sucker.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

It’s Christmas time again, but the eggnog is what really matters. You’ve been waiting for that 90-day period where the dairy section of the grocery store is flooded with that heavenly cream. You’ll spend a small fortune on stockpiling this liquid gold for the rest of the year.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’ll decide that this is your opportunity to escape from this dreaded climate. This is where you can make a break for it. You’ll move somewhere warm like Mexico or Brazil or something. You’ll live off the grid, grow your own food and never have to see snow again.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You’ll learn to give better gifts this season. Why burden your loved ones with material things? Why hold down their soul to this mortal coil? You can give them not only a thing, but an experience, an idea. You’ll gift them with true liberation of the spirit. I’m sure no one will realize you forgot to go shopping.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

When you go back home and spend time with your family this holiday break, you’ll be horrified. Someone will buy your family an introductory hot yoga class. Your mother will think it’s a great bonding experience. But you’ll never be able to erase the mental image of your uncle doing the downward-facing dog.

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